To all my old friends who don’t like me anymore

Since this blog is fairly new, and I am being totally honest about everything, I thought I’d post an open letter to all those so called friends of mine who decided that my “awakening” to being a lesbian, and finding happiness for the first time in my life was “too much for them.” Funny how it’s all about them, huh?

To those of you out there, you know who you are, even though you will never read this,
I never meant for this to happen to me. I never would have knowingly entered into a compromising situation with a man. I never wanted to get a divorce. I was determined to make my marriage work. Even though it was hard, really hard - and even though my ex was mean to me, making me cry over the silliest things like say, the door not being locked when he came home from work. Even though you did not know I was not happy, I wasn’t. Then, when much to my surprise, I found myself wanting to kiss my best friend when we were out of town, which I did because I was tipsy, and it totally rocked my world, I took a couple of months to get my head straight and figure out what in the hell I needed to do. I was reeling mind you. I talked to you about it, you said it was ok and that you wanted to be there for me. I felt your friendship and I needed it so bad. You continued to talk to me, giving me your advice and trying to help me find my way. You even seemed to like talking about these things. You said I seemed happy and that maybe this would all be ok. Now, here’s the part I don’t get. Maybe you’ve never been through a horrific yet wonderful life changing event like this. Maybe you don’t know what it feels like to be a soccer mom with the perfect looking everything and a stay home mom, then to have everything you know to be true challenged. Maybe you can’t imagine what it feels like to be there and be blown away when your entire sexual identity and everything you thought your life was is hanging in the air. Maybe you don’t really know or care for that matter what it feels like to be hanging out on a limb, holding on for dear life to anyone and anything you can, just being thankful that your friend(s) will be there for you. Then, to be hit in the face with the fact that actually, that friend did not think you were taking her advice, and she did not want to talk to you, really. It was just too much for her. She thinks you should be doing things different and is tired of hearing you complain.

That, is not what friends do.

I would not have done that to you. I don’t dare say I’d never do it. (I’ve learned that one should never use the word never) However, I do recall putting up with a lot of your shit over the years, never once stopping being your friend, even though you did a few things that challenged me as your friend, like driving drunk for heaven’s sake. That is very serious indeed. But, did I talk bad about you or stop being your friend? NO. I would not do that to you. I knew you were going through a hard time and the last thing you needed was to lose a friend. So it really hurts to find out that you, the one I always thought would be there for me, couldn't. Or maybe you were just too fragile to handle the hell that (I) was going through.

and to my other friend, the one who I thought was always my best friend for a while before she moved away.... I told you of my awful turmoil later in the game. I told you while crying and telling you how horrible and guilty I felt, how I love my ex, though not as a husband anymore. I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want to ruin his world, but I was. And it made me sick. You were friends with him too. You at first told me how much you loved me and him and you wanted to support me through this. You wanted to help me figure out a way to help him through it. My God how I needed you. You were wonderful to me when I broke it to you through tears and panic. You agreed that we should think long and hard about how to tell him because he was so unpredicable. You were being my much needed friend and helping me decide the path I should take. Then, you pulled the rug from under my friendship. I never knew why, you never told me why. I was very hurt and the only thing I could guess was that you didn’t like the way i was handling myself. I was doing my best. And real friends are supposed to be your friend even when they think you are not handling things the way you would.

Real friends don’t abandon you if you make a mistake, even a really big one.

Real friends stay with you through it all.

I thought you were my real friend. You hurt me most of all. You made me feel as if any one I knew might change their mind about being my friend any moment. You made me stop trusting my instinct because I believed in you. I should have known you would do something like that, but I didn’t. That is the kind of person I am. Too trusting and open. I want you to know that even now, if you came back and wanted to start our friendship I probably would. I am just that vulnerable. But you won’t. Evidently I did something so horrible in your mind that it was unforgivable. I don’t know what that was. I am more guarded because of you. I take friendships slowly. And I always wonder if I’m doing something wrong or bad.

But don’t worry now. I will be fine. I have other friends and most of all I have JL to be there for me. I am steadily making my new life. It has not been easy, but I know it was the right thing to do. And the kids, they’re ok too. I am loving them and that is what they know, that I love them. I will never understand why you changed your mind about me. I guess you couldn’t handle it. But I really don’t need you anymore, any of you.

best and more tomorrow,
Lipstick