I found myself immersed this morning in guilt and sadness. I called my boys last night to talk to them and the little one said he wanted to go to lunch with me today, he didn’t realize he was coming to my house today, he missed me. I told him he was going to be with me today. He said “yay” It made me feel sad even though I know this is how it has to be.
But he is my baby.
I miss his soft cheeks and hands and neck.
I miss being able to go to the zoo when we want.
I miss being with them every day.
I miss being a stay home mom.
I don’t want to go to work today.
I want to stay home and hug my babies.
I know it has to be this way
But it’s sad sometimes
And I find myself feeling guilty for doing this to them, to us
I know I was unhappy with him
But as time goes by I sometimes don’t remember
I just feel bad for it. I want to get away from this, to make the feeling go away.
Guilt is not constructive.
As so often it does, these feelings led to more bad feelings surrounding my sister who I have not told yet about me.
She will judge me. I know she won’t talk to me anymore. Our relationship, as bad as it is, will be worse or non existant.
I feel guilt about that too.
She will hate me for lying
But she’d have hated me for telling the truth too
She will hate me for not telling her the real reason for my divorce and there will never never be anything I can do to make her understand or to make up for that. I feel terrible about it now, but….
I couldn’t risk telling my family and losing my kids in a trial
I could not tell them before.
I didn’t trust them to not side with HIM and try to take my boys away.
She will think I’ve lost my mind and I’m evil
She may already know or suspect, and thus, the silence will go on until I decide to just do it.
Just tell her and hear her judgement.
I will need a lot of encouragement and support from my friends to not think I’m a terrible mother.
I had a terrible mother and now I fear being one.
It’s a fear in the pit of my stomach and I constantly battle those feelings.
But
I know I’m a good mother.
My kids DO love me
They won’t hate me one day
I hope
Lori
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7 comments:
I'm not a believer in coming out to everyone unless it's right. More important than coming out to anyone, family included, IMO, is doing whatever is right for your kids. If that means not coming out to your sis, then it's the right thing to do. As a mom and a teacher, I'm going to tell you that kids are very resilient, and as long as they have parents who love them, are involved in their lives, and take care of/nurture them, they do fine, even if their parents aren't living under the same roof.
FYI, I'm not sure what state you're in, but in very few states does a person lose custody of their children strictly because they are gay/lesbian.
You are a good mother. Period. Let the other things fall where they may...
yes, Sassy,
I am in TN and we are not supposed to lose custody because of that, but my lawyer did inform me that because of biggoted judges that say it's in the interest of the children some mothers have had custody taken away. my circumstances of having an affair with my best friend and his dirty lawyer made me very afraid of this and not wanting to risk it. I would have gotten the best damn feminist attn in the state had I gone to court, but I sacrificed a lot of money because of guilt and not wanting to go to court, sadly. But I will make it. At least i did have a degree.
creative thinker,
thank you for that comment. I do think I'm a good mother. you've seen me in action.I love them so much!
Lori
Just wanted to let you know, I appreciate the comment, and I'm going to add you to my blog roll. Thanks!
Hang in there! I'm sure there will be these rough days along with the good ones:) We are all hear for you to vent to when you need us:)
Thanks for adding me to the blogroll=)
I so understand where you are coming from and I have been there a time or two before.
I'm here if you need to talk!
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