blogging therapy

I feel somewhat stressed. My first paycheck was really only a half a paycheck, and W's was a whole one, but somehow, we have blown through all that money and some of my savings, due to some unexpected expenses. It has both of us bummed out. I have no money til my next paycheck, and we have an art show here at our house next weekend. We have to clean up and do paintings, and I have the boys this weekend. W has been working on her paintings steadily while I have time with the boys. I love them dearly, but lately, my oldest who is 12 has been driving me crazy this weekend! I keep fantasizing about slapping him when he is arguing with me... not a good thing to be fantasizing about. I also think about yelling "what the F--- do you think you're doing?"
I don't curse in front of my kids so this would surely make and impact. Thank god he is gone now to a basketball game with a friend. He has so much energy, and 9/10ths of the time, you can't channel it into something worthwhile, but when you do, boy oh boy, he can get some work done. Most of his energy is spent talking, or rather, making noise. I swear, boys make more noise than I ever knew. He makes noise pollution most of the time. and wants to smart off at my ass. I swear, I may yell what the F--- and if I do, his jaw will drop to the floor. I have been way too nice to my kids. should have beaten them so they would mind better.

So, right now, I am sitting here blogging while I should be cleaning and putting up summer clothes and even painting. But. I. am not. motivated. It doesn't help that it is like 35 degrees here right now. I hate the cold weather. It just makes me want to crawl in bed and get warm. or "nap"
But none of that will go on this weekend since the boys are here.

I am starting to feel better just now. I think blogging has helped me.

The place in between

I have always believed that things do happen for a reason. When bad things happen to us it's hard to believe that. It's a personal belief I have and has so far proven to serve me well. Yesterday, I found out while emailing a friend from my old job that the whole company is re-locating to another state and all of the people there will be without a job as of February. They were just told this 2 weeks after I left!! I got a chill up my spine upon hearing this news. I really obcessed over the decision to leave because it was a good job and everyone was so nice. But in the end, I did decide to leave and have faith that this new opportunity was the right thing for me to do. I spent a long time wondering if it was best for ME, then one day in church after nearly making myself sick from worry, I just decided that even if it wasn't best for me, I would do it because the kids here needed me, needed art in their lives, and that I would do it for them and trust God to take care of me. Needless to say, hearing this yesterday made me know I had made the right decision. If that is not a confirmation, I don't know what is. I feel for my friends there and pray that they find opportunities asap. I know there are those who think that this is just a conincidence, but for me, I believe it was god's hand taking care of me. I also think that he is taking care of them even though they lost their jobs yesterday. Maybe a change was needed and now will be the next step to bring on that change. But never the less, it is so stressfull to be laid off. I wish them the best and will work hard to spread the news that some really great people are out there looking for a job now.

In other news, my evening went well last night.. as well as could be expected anyway. We were all at this somewhat swanky art opening with wine and appetizers at the place of business of W's ex's new girlfriend. All the gang was there, S, L plus the four already mentioned. I was glad to go because my supervisor came and I got to meet him. I had been hired for this job over the phone without a face to face meeting. He was so nice! and he was a gay man which I already knew... I know that's beside the point but it does make ya feel good. We had some awkward first words(ex and me) but later in the evening with some wine, we(W, me and ex) ended up chatting a little about meaningless things which was good I think. Small talk among us when we have had a very hurtfull and hard last year. It has been a hard road and a road full of suprising growth for everyone I think. I hope we have broken the ice and now can go forward with less tension. I hope we are in the place in between now, between horrible hurt and healing. But who knows what will happen.

I have the boys this weekend and I'm sure we will be busy as usual. I thought I was getting my first paycheck today, but I was wrong, it will be next friday. Darn! I have to make it on $200 in my checking account till next friday.

and by the way, I had the class from hell a few minutes ago... so glad to be able to blog right now.

have a good weekend!
L

Past and present

The job(s) are going well. Boys are so busy with soccer and stuff. Tonight we go to an art opening where W's ex and her new girlfriend will be. This will be the first time we will all be in the same room. W has "sheilded" her ex from our relationship being thrown in her face for about a year now and it is time to break the ice and get it all out there, so to speak. I think her ex is fine, although she does not bother speaking to me when she bring the dogs over to stay with W and I. I know this hurt her, but it's been a year and she is dating one of the lesbian queens in M. A huge step in the direction of healthiness for her. She was in the closet even with close friends forever. Now she is able to date the lesbian queen. That is so good, so I think she can handle seeing me and W at the opening. It is an opening at the lesbian queen's place of business so i know they'll be there, and we're art teachers so we were invited. Wish me luck. I would like it if we could all be friendly and dare I say, friends - but I doubt if that could happen as T thinks I stole W away, thats right, I drug her by her hair kicking and screaming right? Not. W left on her own free will, in fact I told W several times maybe she should stay with T, but W could not.
Anyway, here's to all our exes...... I'll update tomorrow if I can.

Finally

I can't believe it's been almost a month since my last post. I promise to try to be a better blogger.
I have been really busy for the last few weeks. I started my new job as an elementary art teacher on Oct 22nd and it has been great. I was so scared to make this job change, but I tried to trust that I could do it, and sure enough, it seems it was the right decision. (remind me I said that later when I say I can't stand it anymore because the kids break out in a fight or I can't get control)
I arrived at the school which is in the inner city of Memphis, and everyone was so nice to me and glad to have me there. For the most part, the kids are great. They are very hungry for art as most of them have never taken an art class at all. They Ooo and Aaah over the simplest things I draw on the board and say "she's good. She must be a real artist." They also point at me in the hall and their faces light up when they see their art teacher. I get hugs all day long and all the kids want to stay in my class and never leave. Not a bad way to earn a paycheck, huh? On top of all that, I'm home by 4 on most days. I know I'm still in the honeymoon of this job and it won't always be this good, but for now, I am lovin it! W also started as an art teacher at another city school. She is also having a good time. Both our principals seem to be nice and helpful, and all the other teachers are nice. Memphis is a very divided city along race lines, and you see it no more clearly than in the school system. My school is an all African American school as is W's, but they seem to be accepting us "crackers" just fine.
Thank you Nerdgirl for asking about how I was, and I will try to update a lot more often, though I can't promise every day.



I leave you with some pictures from our recent mostly lesbian Halloween party. We made some new friends I had mentioned before, and we had them over for a party. Fun was had by all. Gay and straight alike. It's nice to know you can sometimes mix your friends up at a party and it will turn out ok. Lots of beer and margaritas never hurts that situation though.
Our friend S didn't show up for our party though. Better come next time S.

I will Survive!

I know some of you may have heard this, but I have finally decided to take the job as a school art teacher in the public schools here. It has been a decision full of difficulty for me. I saw it as a great opportunity, but it was another job change for me. I have not even been at my present job for a year. W is also taking a job with the schools. The city has hired 80 new art teachers for elementary as they have never had an art program for the kids. This is so sad to me, yet not really surprising. Memphis (and possibly much of the south) has long had a lax attitude about education. Art is one of those things considered a luxury in education here. It should not be a luxury. Art fuels children's creativity, problem solving skills, and teaches them how to turn a "mistake" into a thing of beauty. It boosts children's self esteem as a "no rules" form of self expression. I am so excited to be going to a job where I will make a difference every day in my work. I am trying to be cautiously optimistic as I know that working for a system this large will have many many negatives. Memphis has the 13th largest school system in the nation, and it's one of the poorest cities as well(incidentally, it's mayor now in his 5th term, has voted himself so many pay increases that his salary is in the top five mayor's salaries, bigger than the mayor of Atlanta and Chicago, just to name two.) Many of these kids I'm about to go teach have never used paint, much less taken an art class. I hope I can weather this new change that W and I are about to go through. It will provide me with a better paycheck, more time off, and better benefits than my current job. I know it will be hard as changing jobs always is, but I will survive.

I hope you all are enjoying the fall weather. Memphis is having record breaking high temps this week. Sunday it was 95 degrees! I can't wait for cool weather to come. Here's a quick list that comes to mind that I will love about fall:

• glasses of red wine sipped on the front porch
• comforting bonfires in the fire pit in my back yard
• having the cool weather cause us to get all frisky
• carving pumpkins with my kids
• Halloween decorations!
• bowls of warm chili
• apple pies
• the yearly fall art festival that happens here, lovely art
• our own art show we will hold on Dec 1, my birthday

Ooo I can't wait. Wish me luck on my new job. Any tips from you teacher types out there would be much appreciated.

L

Moving On

Memphis is a very divided town, most likely due to it's painful history during the civil right movement. Martin Luther King was killed in Memphis and we have not really ever gotten over it.
Just recently, we had a mayoral election here. The incumbant mayor is a black man who's been the mayor for 16 yrs. (can you say term limits) He used to be good at his job. I voted for him more than once. Memphis needs a black mayor. But not this one. He has a most horrible reputation for cocaine use, multiple children out of wedlock, taking money under the table, using city money to build huge new sports stadiums instead of putting it in the schools. We have the highest murder rate in the nation, we're the rape capitol of the country and this man got re-elected!!!?? He is most notorious for having conflict during city council meetings and asking people to take the fight outside, and for saying things during elections like "this election is all about race and power"
Now tell me, is this a good man to run this city? I am amazed that he was re-elected. Two other people were running against him, so he only got 41% of the vote. (there are no run off elections here). The apathy here is amazing because even with so much at stake, only about 42% of registered voters showed up to vote. I ask you, what is the problem. So yesterday, Friday, was a big let down to me. I was so hoping to wake up to a new mayor to help this city I love move forward to a more positive direction. The suburbs here are growing tremendously because everyone just wants out of the city due to the crime. If this city does not start changing for the better, we will be in trouble.
later,
L

It's been a while.

I don't really know why I've waited so long to post. Yes, I have been busy, but really no more busy than usual. I have been shy about posting at work, and have had less time away from work to do it. Quite a lot has been going on with me. I will fill you in.

1. I heard about my city school district hiring a bunch of new art teachers, only requiring a BFA degree instead of the usual education degree. And best of all, they will pay for your certification.
2. I first though of W. She really is an amazing teacher, been doing it forever, just not in the public schools. hmmm. I said, health insurance, retirement, benefits.... she should do it.
3. I suggested, she agreed. She is now the official art teacher for a fine elementary school near our home.
4 Then, I though of myself. As you may know, I have been trying to decide what to do with my career. I thought of going back to school for a social work degree or going to nursing school.

• I knew I wanted a career with more flexible hours to be with my kids more (working 8-5:30 sucks when you have kids.).
• I knew I wanted to have a job where I did not feel as though I was moving a corporation to make more money, yet doing nothing to help people.
• I hate the corporate thing. stupid people. stupid meetings. doing stupid things.
• I knew I needed to make more money as I make very little now, barely enough to live from.

5. I looked into it. I asked about 10 million people what they thought. This may be a little exaggeration here, but not much. That is how I make decisions, I ask everyone I know, and even some people I don't know. what they think.
6. I went to the school in question: very far away. very bad neighborhood. but: very nice principal. very nice kids for the 20 minutes that I was there.
7. I thought about the pros and cons:

PROS

• more money.
• more time off.
• summers off with my kids.
• Christmas break with my kids.
• Spring break with my kids.
• Off at 3:30 every day.
• working with children who otherwise have never had an art curriculum.
• children who are sweet and may not get any positive people in their lives.
• kids who really need to be creative.

CONS

• it's yet another change for me. I have had three jobs in one year, moved, become the primary provider after being a stay home mom. , discovered I'm gay, and lost a lot of friends.
• It is far away in a neighborhood I'm not familiar with.
• I do not know if I'll be good at it
• I will probably suck at it the first year

I have decided to move to this new career and see where it takes me. I am afraid of another change, but I really am capable of embracing change and this one seems to be a fairly safe one. (I hope)

So, as you can see, I have been deep in decision making thought for the last 2-3 weeks. I am thrilled that W is taking the new job. She will be home by 2:30 and still pick up the boys every day. She needed the benefits as my 401K was not going to cut it for us later. And... most of all, she will be a brilliant teacher and impact a lot of kids this way, she has a boundless energy and love with children. I hope that I can be only half as good as she already is. I will get her to teach me. I will learn from the other teachers too. We are both starting new jobs at the same time.

I will hate to leave the company I'm with. They've been very good to me. but I do believe I will always wonder if I don't take this opportunity.

Wish me luck on this new and slightly scary change. I will be ok.

L