blogging therapy

I feel somewhat stressed. My first paycheck was really only a half a paycheck, and W's was a whole one, but somehow, we have blown through all that money and some of my savings, due to some unexpected expenses. It has both of us bummed out. I have no money til my next paycheck, and we have an art show here at our house next weekend. We have to clean up and do paintings, and I have the boys this weekend. W has been working on her paintings steadily while I have time with the boys. I love them dearly, but lately, my oldest who is 12 has been driving me crazy this weekend! I keep fantasizing about slapping him when he is arguing with me... not a good thing to be fantasizing about. I also think about yelling "what the F--- do you think you're doing?"
I don't curse in front of my kids so this would surely make and impact. Thank god he is gone now to a basketball game with a friend. He has so much energy, and 9/10ths of the time, you can't channel it into something worthwhile, but when you do, boy oh boy, he can get some work done. Most of his energy is spent talking, or rather, making noise. I swear, boys make more noise than I ever knew. He makes noise pollution most of the time. and wants to smart off at my ass. I swear, I may yell what the F--- and if I do, his jaw will drop to the floor. I have been way too nice to my kids. should have beaten them so they would mind better.

So, right now, I am sitting here blogging while I should be cleaning and putting up summer clothes and even painting. But. I. am not. motivated. It doesn't help that it is like 35 degrees here right now. I hate the cold weather. It just makes me want to crawl in bed and get warm. or "nap"
But none of that will go on this weekend since the boys are here.

I am starting to feel better just now. I think blogging has helped me.

The place in between

I have always believed that things do happen for a reason. When bad things happen to us it's hard to believe that. It's a personal belief I have and has so far proven to serve me well. Yesterday, I found out while emailing a friend from my old job that the whole company is re-locating to another state and all of the people there will be without a job as of February. They were just told this 2 weeks after I left!! I got a chill up my spine upon hearing this news. I really obcessed over the decision to leave because it was a good job and everyone was so nice. But in the end, I did decide to leave and have faith that this new opportunity was the right thing for me to do. I spent a long time wondering if it was best for ME, then one day in church after nearly making myself sick from worry, I just decided that even if it wasn't best for me, I would do it because the kids here needed me, needed art in their lives, and that I would do it for them and trust God to take care of me. Needless to say, hearing this yesterday made me know I had made the right decision. If that is not a confirmation, I don't know what is. I feel for my friends there and pray that they find opportunities asap. I know there are those who think that this is just a conincidence, but for me, I believe it was god's hand taking care of me. I also think that he is taking care of them even though they lost their jobs yesterday. Maybe a change was needed and now will be the next step to bring on that change. But never the less, it is so stressfull to be laid off. I wish them the best and will work hard to spread the news that some really great people are out there looking for a job now.

In other news, my evening went well last night.. as well as could be expected anyway. We were all at this somewhat swanky art opening with wine and appetizers at the place of business of W's ex's new girlfriend. All the gang was there, S, L plus the four already mentioned. I was glad to go because my supervisor came and I got to meet him. I had been hired for this job over the phone without a face to face meeting. He was so nice! and he was a gay man which I already knew... I know that's beside the point but it does make ya feel good. We had some awkward first words(ex and me) but later in the evening with some wine, we(W, me and ex) ended up chatting a little about meaningless things which was good I think. Small talk among us when we have had a very hurtfull and hard last year. It has been a hard road and a road full of suprising growth for everyone I think. I hope we have broken the ice and now can go forward with less tension. I hope we are in the place in between now, between horrible hurt and healing. But who knows what will happen.

I have the boys this weekend and I'm sure we will be busy as usual. I thought I was getting my first paycheck today, but I was wrong, it will be next friday. Darn! I have to make it on $200 in my checking account till next friday.

and by the way, I had the class from hell a few minutes ago... so glad to be able to blog right now.

have a good weekend!
L

Past and present

The job(s) are going well. Boys are so busy with soccer and stuff. Tonight we go to an art opening where W's ex and her new girlfriend will be. This will be the first time we will all be in the same room. W has "sheilded" her ex from our relationship being thrown in her face for about a year now and it is time to break the ice and get it all out there, so to speak. I think her ex is fine, although she does not bother speaking to me when she bring the dogs over to stay with W and I. I know this hurt her, but it's been a year and she is dating one of the lesbian queens in M. A huge step in the direction of healthiness for her. She was in the closet even with close friends forever. Now she is able to date the lesbian queen. That is so good, so I think she can handle seeing me and W at the opening. It is an opening at the lesbian queen's place of business so i know they'll be there, and we're art teachers so we were invited. Wish me luck. I would like it if we could all be friendly and dare I say, friends - but I doubt if that could happen as T thinks I stole W away, thats right, I drug her by her hair kicking and screaming right? Not. W left on her own free will, in fact I told W several times maybe she should stay with T, but W could not.
Anyway, here's to all our exes...... I'll update tomorrow if I can.

Finally

I can't believe it's been almost a month since my last post. I promise to try to be a better blogger.
I have been really busy for the last few weeks. I started my new job as an elementary art teacher on Oct 22nd and it has been great. I was so scared to make this job change, but I tried to trust that I could do it, and sure enough, it seems it was the right decision. (remind me I said that later when I say I can't stand it anymore because the kids break out in a fight or I can't get control)
I arrived at the school which is in the inner city of Memphis, and everyone was so nice to me and glad to have me there. For the most part, the kids are great. They are very hungry for art as most of them have never taken an art class at all. They Ooo and Aaah over the simplest things I draw on the board and say "she's good. She must be a real artist." They also point at me in the hall and their faces light up when they see their art teacher. I get hugs all day long and all the kids want to stay in my class and never leave. Not a bad way to earn a paycheck, huh? On top of all that, I'm home by 4 on most days. I know I'm still in the honeymoon of this job and it won't always be this good, but for now, I am lovin it! W also started as an art teacher at another city school. She is also having a good time. Both our principals seem to be nice and helpful, and all the other teachers are nice. Memphis is a very divided city along race lines, and you see it no more clearly than in the school system. My school is an all African American school as is W's, but they seem to be accepting us "crackers" just fine.
Thank you Nerdgirl for asking about how I was, and I will try to update a lot more often, though I can't promise every day.



I leave you with some pictures from our recent mostly lesbian Halloween party. We made some new friends I had mentioned before, and we had them over for a party. Fun was had by all. Gay and straight alike. It's nice to know you can sometimes mix your friends up at a party and it will turn out ok. Lots of beer and margaritas never hurts that situation though.
Our friend S didn't show up for our party though. Better come next time S.

I will Survive!

I know some of you may have heard this, but I have finally decided to take the job as a school art teacher in the public schools here. It has been a decision full of difficulty for me. I saw it as a great opportunity, but it was another job change for me. I have not even been at my present job for a year. W is also taking a job with the schools. The city has hired 80 new art teachers for elementary as they have never had an art program for the kids. This is so sad to me, yet not really surprising. Memphis (and possibly much of the south) has long had a lax attitude about education. Art is one of those things considered a luxury in education here. It should not be a luxury. Art fuels children's creativity, problem solving skills, and teaches them how to turn a "mistake" into a thing of beauty. It boosts children's self esteem as a "no rules" form of self expression. I am so excited to be going to a job where I will make a difference every day in my work. I am trying to be cautiously optimistic as I know that working for a system this large will have many many negatives. Memphis has the 13th largest school system in the nation, and it's one of the poorest cities as well(incidentally, it's mayor now in his 5th term, has voted himself so many pay increases that his salary is in the top five mayor's salaries, bigger than the mayor of Atlanta and Chicago, just to name two.) Many of these kids I'm about to go teach have never used paint, much less taken an art class. I hope I can weather this new change that W and I are about to go through. It will provide me with a better paycheck, more time off, and better benefits than my current job. I know it will be hard as changing jobs always is, but I will survive.

I hope you all are enjoying the fall weather. Memphis is having record breaking high temps this week. Sunday it was 95 degrees! I can't wait for cool weather to come. Here's a quick list that comes to mind that I will love about fall:

• glasses of red wine sipped on the front porch
• comforting bonfires in the fire pit in my back yard
• having the cool weather cause us to get all frisky
• carving pumpkins with my kids
• Halloween decorations!
• bowls of warm chili
• apple pies
• the yearly fall art festival that happens here, lovely art
• our own art show we will hold on Dec 1, my birthday

Ooo I can't wait. Wish me luck on my new job. Any tips from you teacher types out there would be much appreciated.

L

Moving On

Memphis is a very divided town, most likely due to it's painful history during the civil right movement. Martin Luther King was killed in Memphis and we have not really ever gotten over it.
Just recently, we had a mayoral election here. The incumbant mayor is a black man who's been the mayor for 16 yrs. (can you say term limits) He used to be good at his job. I voted for him more than once. Memphis needs a black mayor. But not this one. He has a most horrible reputation for cocaine use, multiple children out of wedlock, taking money under the table, using city money to build huge new sports stadiums instead of putting it in the schools. We have the highest murder rate in the nation, we're the rape capitol of the country and this man got re-elected!!!?? He is most notorious for having conflict during city council meetings and asking people to take the fight outside, and for saying things during elections like "this election is all about race and power"
Now tell me, is this a good man to run this city? I am amazed that he was re-elected. Two other people were running against him, so he only got 41% of the vote. (there are no run off elections here). The apathy here is amazing because even with so much at stake, only about 42% of registered voters showed up to vote. I ask you, what is the problem. So yesterday, Friday, was a big let down to me. I was so hoping to wake up to a new mayor to help this city I love move forward to a more positive direction. The suburbs here are growing tremendously because everyone just wants out of the city due to the crime. If this city does not start changing for the better, we will be in trouble.
later,
L

It's been a while.

I don't really know why I've waited so long to post. Yes, I have been busy, but really no more busy than usual. I have been shy about posting at work, and have had less time away from work to do it. Quite a lot has been going on with me. I will fill you in.

1. I heard about my city school district hiring a bunch of new art teachers, only requiring a BFA degree instead of the usual education degree. And best of all, they will pay for your certification.
2. I first though of W. She really is an amazing teacher, been doing it forever, just not in the public schools. hmmm. I said, health insurance, retirement, benefits.... she should do it.
3. I suggested, she agreed. She is now the official art teacher for a fine elementary school near our home.
4 Then, I though of myself. As you may know, I have been trying to decide what to do with my career. I thought of going back to school for a social work degree or going to nursing school.

• I knew I wanted a career with more flexible hours to be with my kids more (working 8-5:30 sucks when you have kids.).
• I knew I wanted to have a job where I did not feel as though I was moving a corporation to make more money, yet doing nothing to help people.
• I hate the corporate thing. stupid people. stupid meetings. doing stupid things.
• I knew I needed to make more money as I make very little now, barely enough to live from.

5. I looked into it. I asked about 10 million people what they thought. This may be a little exaggeration here, but not much. That is how I make decisions, I ask everyone I know, and even some people I don't know. what they think.
6. I went to the school in question: very far away. very bad neighborhood. but: very nice principal. very nice kids for the 20 minutes that I was there.
7. I thought about the pros and cons:

PROS

• more money.
• more time off.
• summers off with my kids.
• Christmas break with my kids.
• Spring break with my kids.
• Off at 3:30 every day.
• working with children who otherwise have never had an art curriculum.
• children who are sweet and may not get any positive people in their lives.
• kids who really need to be creative.

CONS

• it's yet another change for me. I have had three jobs in one year, moved, become the primary provider after being a stay home mom. , discovered I'm gay, and lost a lot of friends.
• It is far away in a neighborhood I'm not familiar with.
• I do not know if I'll be good at it
• I will probably suck at it the first year

I have decided to move to this new career and see where it takes me. I am afraid of another change, but I really am capable of embracing change and this one seems to be a fairly safe one. (I hope)

So, as you can see, I have been deep in decision making thought for the last 2-3 weeks. I am thrilled that W is taking the new job. She will be home by 2:30 and still pick up the boys every day. She needed the benefits as my 401K was not going to cut it for us later. And... most of all, she will be a brilliant teacher and impact a lot of kids this way, she has a boundless energy and love with children. I hope that I can be only half as good as she already is. I will get her to teach me. I will learn from the other teachers too. We are both starting new jobs at the same time.

I will hate to leave the company I'm with. They've been very good to me. but I do believe I will always wonder if I don't take this opportunity.

Wish me luck on this new and slightly scary change. I will be ok.

L

Part 2: the good things in my life, because it's important to take the good with the bad

The Good things:
I held a fabulous party for W's birthday this last labor day weekend! We had all of our sassy straight friends over. (we have only one or two gay friends and one of them lives out of state) I grilled hot dogs for all the kids, and grilled flank steak and fish for tacos. I made a wonderful orzo and asparagus salad and my famous ramen noodle salad for side dishes.
Plenty of beer and wine was consumed, as was a new drink recipe for "Beer margaritas"
Then, I made this fabulous ice cream cake for dessert. I had made it for my youngest son's birthday and everyone loved it so much, I just had to do it again. I think it will be a tradition.

I think I will take a clue from titration and list 50 things that make me happy. I did have a rough week this week, but now I feel better and I want to remember the good things about my life, so here goes. and just for good measure, I want RSG and Nerdgirl to do this too, never tagged anyone before, but there must be a first time for everything.

50 things that make me happy!

sitting on my porch with a glass of wine
playing pigmania with my kids
a great cheese spread for crackers
coming up with a new idea for a recipe
beer margaritas!
air conditioning when it is 100+ degrees outside like here
the millions of tiny frogs in and around my pond, some of them no bigger than a cricket
the hummingbirds flying around my porch
good friends having good conversation
seeing new and wonderful art for the first time
seeing my own art collection and knowing at least I got that from my 13 yr marriage
seeing my youngest's missing front teeth
kissing his neck
knowing W and I are creating a great life/home together
talking about anything with her
good coffee
sushi
cinnamon chocolate cake from starbucks
going to church and seeing the goodness in people
hearing a baby or small child laugh (priceless)
hot showers
cold sheets in the winter
heavy blankets in the winter
snuggling with W
the smell of old musty attics (weird maybe)
rainy afternoons and mornings
thunder
urban gardens
the smell of grilling
fireplaces
fall after the hot hot summer here
beaches at dusk
grilled seafood
Indian food
Thai food
a big glass of sweet tea
a freshly sharpened pencil
new art supplies
art paper with the perfect tooth on it
riding in a boat (something i don't do often enough)
roller coasters
hot tubs
hotels
traveling almost anywhere
trying new food
a great movie
looking at pictures of my kids
reading a great book

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

I have had a few rough days lately. I know it's been a while since I've posted, but I've been dealing with some bad things, some good things and some "just busy" things.
Let's say the bad first to get it over with. This will likely be so long that my good things will be in another post, but don't worry stay with me here:
a sense of humor here --->

My mother, who is quite naughty (and I don't mean that in the cutesy nice way) has been up to more of her awfulness.

Some of you may know about how she called me about a month ago, saying she was depressed and felt like dying and it was all because of lil' ole me, and my sister of course. She said it had all come to her and that she knew there was some reason I had gotten a divorce, and now she knows why.... asked if me and W have a sexual relationship. I, being quite taken back by this 76 yr old woman asking me this, said.. "umm.. no, we are just best friends" She continued to nail me to the wall saying she felt like she was going to die, what a disgrace it was, my dad would turn over in his grave, she never raised me that way, I knew what God said about that, etc etc.. You get the picture. Needless to say, she did not believe me. She even said that if I did not bring my children to see her, she would call my x and ask him if all this was true. Also, just for good measure, she stated that what my sister and I had "done" to her about her money was also a reason why she was going crazy.

To explain: about 3 yrs ago, mother dear used up approximately 1/3rd of her and my dad's life savings to buy a bunch of QVC crap that she did not need. All this time, my dad was dying in a nursing home, my mother was spending about $1000 a month over and above her expenses on QVC. My sister and I figured this out, and moved the rest of her life savings into an account with our names on it, and gave her enough to live on comfortably so that she could not waste the rest of their money and that we could save for her so she would not be destitute. (my mother has a long history of addictions. valium for about 25 yrs, cheesecake (2 or 3 a week at times, and now spending at QVC, a call in shopping network)) My sister and my mother do not talk, so I had to be the only person who communicated with both of them. Sounds sick and screwed up huh? It is. My sister was consistantly hateful and mean to my mother, even telling her that we were NOT going to give her back her money because she was not responsible (which was true, mind you, but my sister has no tact with anyone, much less our abusive mother) SO, my mother went to a lawyer and sent my sister a certified letter telling her to give back all of her money.

Anyway, all of this lawyer crap happened with my mother this week, my sister has been calling me hashing it over, meanwhile my sister does not know I am gay or even that W lives with me, I am not telling the sister anytime soon because she lives in another town, we are not close at all, and she's a right wing fundamentalist. She even sent me an email bashing a new book that talks about gays and lesbians being born that way to prove it.
I've talked to my therapist - she does NOT think I need to tell my mom at all, and not my sister any. time. soon. What good does it do to tell someone when they canNOT accept it. they both will just use it against me to shame me, hurt me, make me feel bad... so for now, I do not tell.

Whew! that was long. If you are still reading, take a break and get a drink.

Anyway, it is all going ok for now, my mom will soon blow through the rest of her money which was barely enough to take care of her anyway, and I have to decide how or if to respond to this lawyer thing with her. I do not like being sued... my XH did it to me after our divorce was final. I am technically not being sued but it is close. My mother has probably taken me off the will for all I know, that is ok, but how do I talk to her about it, or deal with it. My kids know none of her abusivness or bad behavior and I don't know how to tell them that we won't be going there for christmas.

Anger

W has an ex. They do pretty well getting along and have been trying to re-define their relationship. Every morning she brings the dogs before mentioned in previous post over to be be babysat - dogs coming to be babysat. I know, the dogs are the ones who suffer the most in a divorce.

Anyway, she never sees me or speaks to me, all done so as to be sensitive to her feelings. whatever - Anyway, this week, we just found out she is having this art sale thingy at her house, the same art sale that W used to put on when she lived there, to help promote her art business. This made W very mad (me too). They have been "fighting" this week. I swear, W tries hard to get along with her, and now this??? It has left me feeling really crappy inside. Just the same crappy feeling I used to have when my XH wasing suing me for 3,000 dollars earlier this year, and the same sick crappy feeling that I had when his snake lawyer was using loop holes to take money from my kids when they were with me. Just plain old awful anger. I am not normally an angry person, nor do I like it when people are mad at me, in fact, I hate it. I just like everybody to be happy and get along, is that too much to ask? (yes, it is W tells me)

Anyway, I hate that angry feeling. It is like a toxic poisonous feeling inside me. Last year, when the snake lawyer was doing all that stuff, I had a dream that I shot him. That dream was disturbing to me because I am usually such a soft non-angry person.
Anyway, no dreams yet of killing W's ex. .......yet.

Our Pets

I thought I'd put some pictures of our pets here. I have not figured out how to do captions yet, so I will list the names. We also have two dwarf hamsters and used to have a snake, but it died.
A little glimpse at our pets, the boys love them all and love to show them off.
The dogs belonged to W in her previous relationship, she shares custody of them, just like I share custody of my kids. It works out well.

top: Tucker, the labrodoodle
next: Scout(border collie) and Tucker
next: Hitchcock, our cockatiel
last: Tucker with Hitchcock

Bottles

Look at this cool picture of bottles on our windowsill. W took it yesterday. I just love the colors and the way the light comes through. We both love to play around with photography. more to come
L

Could you pass high school?

Well, once again, the kid thing has kicked my ass. I have to say, my oldest is in 6th grade this year, one week into it, and last night he brought home some of the hardest math homework I've ever seen. It was called expodentials?? Not sure of the spelling and after all I am the dumbest person on the planet, or at least the dumbest in my house so who knows. So he brings home this worksheet. I had to be at his school til 7 for a parent meeting. W stayed home with them and by the time I got home they were bathed, they had dinner, homework was done. And my dinner was on the stove waiting for me. God I love her. Anyway, WB was watching tv. I asked about the homework, was it ok? did he need any help? He said no. It was done. I helped SB(8yr old) with his homework and explained a couple of things to him. Then I told WB that I should at least look over his homework. I looked - I did NOT understand it. I asked WB to explain it to me. He proceeded to explain it - how you do it - what 2 to the sixth power means etc etc.

Then I start looking at it applying his rules - It is all wrong! Almost every problem.

I ask, "What is wrong with this answer? How did you come up with it?

note: I notice that there is no scribbling in the margins.

He says, Oh, I did the problem, They are close to being right! The silly future ditch digger child had not done the problems at all. He had just guessed or gotten "close." I proceed to read him the riot act. I tell him that every math sheet had better show his work from now on. There are no "almost right answers" He will have to check and re-check his work. I swear, the math was not easy, but he even knew how to do it, because he told me! He just DIDN'T DO IT.

I do not understand

Does he want to quit 6th grade now and just learn a skill?
That would save us a lot of trouble and money.

So, I found this little quiz to see if I could pass high school.
I obviously failed ....

as my soon to be teenage son will do if I don't kick him in the ass every night!!!
YIKES!!!

You Failed High School

Time to hit the books!

Could You Pass High School?

Your perfect hairstyle

found this just now, and it's weird how close it is to my own real hairstyle

Your Ideal Hairstyle:

Layered Bob

What Women's Hairstyle Is Right For You?

What you call her

I have thought about this some lately. For those of you who do not know my story, I came from a 14 year typical marriage, two boys, a dog, a house in very upscale area here in the city I live in. I had a best friend who happened to be gay. My H knew it, loved her to death, we both did. I spent time every day with her as I was a stay home mom, and she worked from her home. We were meeting each other's emotional needs for years and didn't realize it. She was with her partner of 13+ yrs who did not really acknowledge their relationship as valid, to others or herself. Any way when I kissed her one night and my life changes forever in that second, I didn't stop to think about my identity or if I'd fit in in a lesbian social scene, etc. That self discovery and questioning came over the next 3-4 months in hell therapy.

I wondered at first what she would be: my partner? too formal. My wife? yes, better, but still not acceptable to society? Girlfriend, No way! That sounds like something you do in high school, teenyboppers and class rings.

I wanted to write a post about our names for each other. What do you call her? Your partner, wife or girlfriend? or other? And what do you call her when no one else is around? Sweetie, Pooky, Baby? Feel free to elaborate on the special names you have for her.

Please answer this question with the name you call her to the world, and your pet names you use in private. I get to be a voyer to your lives in this post. I can't wait to hear our funny little names we call each other. For me, I sometimes call her Baby, and I'm working on finding another one that's more original.... hmm.. I know one will come out that fits her.

Aren't they cute!

I know, i've gone a little crazy tonight - but W went to bed and fell asleep before the kids, so normally I go to bed at the same time and we talk or cuddle or ?? if the kids aren't here. But tonight I am staying up blogging and surfing since she is passed out in there anyway.

But look at the cute find she got for me the other day at an antique shop. We just love ot collect dishes, and especially dishes from the fifties. We found these turquoise plastic dishes! Aren't they cute? and aren't we so domestic. Tomorrow I may do a post about what we call each oher, not us in particular, but all of us. I just hate the word partner, and girlfriend sounds so juvenile, don't you think? well for later.
L

some great kids art

I thought I'd post a quick picture of some of the great art W does with all of her students. As and artist myself, I just love kids art. It is the best. They have no big hangups about what it's supposed to look like, so they end up just drawing and painting on pure instinct. It's so uninhibited. I would kill to be able to be this free with my art. Well, maybe not kill, but you get my drift.

vacations and hoping for miracles

Nothing much happening today. I'm excited because W and I are going out of town this weekend to see some friends and have some "us" time. She has had a very busy summer with her summer day camps she puts on. In one of the last weeks, she had 35 kids! Yikes. After 7 weeks of that, she needs a vacation. Today my boys get picked up from school by her and we have them for 2 nights before they go back to their dad. Things are reasonably well between he and I, considering. But he does not like to communicate. That really bugs me, I'll email and ask a question and it's 3 or 4 days before he'll answer, if he answers. I only communicate about the kids. Well, that's ok for now. Hopefully it will get better.

My youngest got the teacher I wanted this year.

But keep my oldest's teacher in your prayers. She found out at the end of last school year that her 7 yr old son has a malignant brain tumor. It is a very rare, almost always adult cancer, in a very bad part of his brain. He was selected for a "make a wish" vacation and they are there now. And on top of all that, her dad died suddenly last week. She and her family are such nice people. Maybe if we all pray for a miracle...

for now,
L

adolescence rears it's head

People, for some time now I've told you about my boys. Well, WB, who is about to turn 12 has been "pms ing" for a number of months now. It hasn't been that bad, just an occasional temper tantrum, He'd go to his room and come out back to his old self. I called him bad B when he is in one of these moods, and good B when he's the old kid. He loves this as you can imagine. I've been thinking of giving the new personality a name, like Fred or Wilbur, but I digress. Anyway, this weekend it got worse! I took him to Target for school supplies and for a haircut (he has been growing it long this summer and it was really long, in his eyes, he had to shake his head to see you) He agreed that his hair should be "shaped up" We go to this chain store of haircuts which has a sports theme, we tell the lady how he wants it, she chops all his hair off. I swear, even I was mad at her! He fell apart. Cried all the way home, spent a good hour in the bathroom trying to make it grow, or look better or who know what else he was doing in there. He is obsessed with his looks. He tried on 3 or 4 pairs of jeans before finally settling on one that was too tight IMO. He primps before going out. 6 months ago the kid could care less if he changed his clothes every day or had ketchup on his shirt when we went out. Keep in mind that all these changes are merely emotional. He has not grown, he's a foot shorter than everybody, he has not facial hair, no physical changes. So he looks like this little kid but he's acting like a freakin 16 yr old. His best friend, on the other hand, has practically a full beard, his voice has changed, he's about 5'10", and he acts like an 8 yr old. Puberty is cruel I tell you. What am I going to do with a teenage boy around the house. I don't even want to think about what they do at night by themselves. YIKES!
later,
L

Guilt and Sadness overtaking

I found myself immersed this morning in guilt and sadness. I called my boys last night to talk to them and the little one said he wanted to go to lunch with me today, he didn’t realize he was coming to my house today, he missed me. I told him he was going to be with me today. He said “yay” It made me feel sad even though I know this is how it has to be.
But he is my baby.
I miss his soft cheeks and hands and neck.
I miss being able to go to the zoo when we want.
I miss being with them every day.
I miss being a stay home mom.
I don’t want to go to work today.
I want to stay home and hug my babies.
I know it has to be this way
But it’s sad sometimes
And I find myself feeling guilty for doing this to them, to us
I know I was unhappy with him
But as time goes by I sometimes don’t remember
I just feel bad for it. I want to get away from this, to make the feeling go away.
Guilt is not constructive.

As so often it does, these feelings led to more bad feelings surrounding my sister who I have not told yet about me.
She will judge me. I know she won’t talk to me anymore. Our relationship, as bad as it is, will be worse or non existant.
I feel guilt about that too.
She will hate me for lying
But she’d have hated me for telling the truth too

She will hate me for not telling her the real reason for my divorce and there will never never be anything I can do to make her understand or to make up for that. I feel terrible about it now, but….

I couldn’t risk telling my family and losing my kids in a trial
I could not tell them before.
I didn’t trust them to not side with HIM and try to take my boys away.

She will think I’ve lost my mind and I’m evil

She may already know or suspect, and thus, the silence will go on until I decide to just do it.
Just tell her and hear her judgement.

I will need a lot of encouragement and support from my friends to not think I’m a terrible mother.

I had a terrible mother and now I fear being one.
It’s a fear in the pit of my stomach and I constantly battle those feelings.

But

I know I’m a good mother.
My kids DO love me
They won’t hate me one day
I hope

Lori

Get Straight Programs: A sin or not a sin?

I was just wondering, this is a question that W and I talk about often. We both are from very conservative church backgrounds. I was Baptist and she was from an evangelical non-denominational church (just as scary as southern baptists) Now, when I first met W some 9 years ago, she was already in a relationship with her X but they were DEEP in the closet. I remember that on one of the very first times we got together as friends, the subject of homosexuality came up. I told her that I just wasn't sure what I thought about it, not sure it was really wrong, not sure if it was a choice, etc. She did not tell me she was gay, but in fact played devil's advocate as to why the Bible did state that it was wrong. We had an interesting discussion that night. A couple of weeks after that, she told me she was in fact gay and that she had struggled with her faith. She had been in leadership at her church when "IT" happened. She and her X had gone to counseling and tried to quit what they were doing. She even went through one of those "get straight" programs. I believe that she was testing me out to see if I would condemn her or not - at that time she was very careful who she told since she'd been excommunicated (more or less) from this church she loved so much, and didn't always trust friends either. So, over the next few years, we became much closer friends, she became like a favorite aunt to my kids, and a very close family friend of me and my X. She and her partner would come over to cook out or hang out nearly every weekend.

Incidentally, her partner was still in the closet all this time. W never told her that I knew they were gay. No one talked about it and they never showed affection in front of us.

I would go out every Thursday night for my "girls night" and my X went out once a week with his friends. On Thursday nights W and I would have great theological and deep discussions about this question. I always told her that she was one of the best people I'd ever known, kind to people, generous, giving and caring, non-judgemental, befriending society's off casts... how could who she loved matter that much. Would God condemn her for this while she was such a good person? Would that one thing about herself carry more weight somehow? I mean, why is that any more wrong than being greedy with your money or looking down on someone else, not helping the less fortunate? Human beings are just that, human. We are all no better at "being good" than the next. And was it really a sin in the first place? I mean, when the Bible talked about homosexuality being a sin, wasn't it really talking about the behavior in Sodom and Gomorrah, not a committed loving relationship? These were things that I helped her work through over the years. I took her to my little Methodist church that is more liberal than most. I told her that she could still be a good christian and be gay. After a while, we were able to reconcile our beliefs together. It wasn't until Nov. of 05 that we kissed and our world changed so quick.

Funny, all that talking I did to help her "be ok" with being gay, I guess it was preparing me for being gay too.

Maybe this has not been a struggle for some of you. I think growing up in the South and the Bible belt gives you a big ole Southern fried guilt trip. But if any of you have struggled with this, please weigh in on the subject. I've found a few websites I'll share that challenge the mainstream beliefs about the bible if any one is interested.

L

Am I a sucker?

I just ordered this weight loss tea for 37....some odd dollars. am I crazy or what? I am desparate for a few pounds to come off my waist, that's what. W will kill me.

More Pics

I thought I'd put some quick pictures of us on.
wish I knew how to do captions.
left is me and WB
right is SB
bottom left is W and friend S
bottom right is me
done for now. I think I've blogged my share today.
More tomorrow.
L

To clarify

That picture, the one just below of me and my son, that's SB, sweet boy, as I called him in my 100 things. I could not figure out how to add a caption so I wanted ya'll to know that. I may post more pictures later of both SB and WB.

A reason to be thankful and kiss my babies, (as if I needed a reason)

Well folks, I have to tell you about a worrisome development that happened on Tuesday. My youngest son was with his dad. He woke up in the morning and couldn’t walk straight. His legs were all wobbly and he kept falling. After deciding that he was not faking it, my XH called and said he was taking him to the doctor. He had asked a neighbor to look and she agreed. This worried me. Now XH was/is I suppose about the most alarmist person I’ve ever known. He will make a big deal out of nothing. He took the older one for a catscan once after he was hit with a baseball. It was a black eye. No weird eye crossing thing, no dizziness, nothing. He rushed him to the ER and paid for a catscan and nearly scared the kid to death.

Anyway, I digress. After the neighbor said he should take him, I worried. Of course I met him down there and the doctor examined him. They asked if he’d had a virus in the last couple of weeks. I said no. So they did send him for the catscan, thank goodness. I was starting to panic. His balance was off, that could mean a brain tumor. Those of you who know me, know that recently my friends little boy had a headache one day. She took him and withing 2 hours found out he had a huge tumor in his brain and they did surgery within 48 hours. It was indeed cancer, and it was a rare aggressive tumor that no one knows how to treat. It is usually found in adults, and they rarely make it. The prognosis is not good for him. I had all that swirling in my mind and I just felt sick. I can’t imagine what people go through who have their kids get really sick. The doctor was very worried too. Luckily, the scan came back normal. They diagnosed him with cerebral atoxia. It is a condition where, after certain viruses, the antibodies get into the middle ear and cause vertigo. It can last for a couple of weeks to months before it goes away. Leave it to us to have a strange illness that the doctor has only seen once so far this year. My little one is very sick and dizzy. But other than that, he is fine. They ran bloodwork etc and I bugged them about anything else it could be. I hope he’ll be feeling better soon. But I tell you, it makes you thankful. I love him so much. I love them both, but he’s my youngest and there is a special baby place in my heart for him. He will always be my baby. He still has that really soft cuddly baby quality to him. I wish I could kiss those cheeks right now.
W is watching him for me while I come to my dead end job. I guess it’s still a paycheck though.

Now stop reading this and go kiss your babies, human or 4 legged ones.

Later,
L

A busy day

I had such a busy day at work today, could not read blogs like I want. But at least the day went by fast. I spent the first part of the day feeling very distressed about my weight gain. I have put back all the weight that I'd lost during my going through hell anxiety because I was gay/getting divorced/went through 3 jobs in a year/worried the jerk XH would take me to court and I'd get a bigotted judge/ all of that caused me to be extremely anxious, thus losing weight. Now the anxiety/fear is gone, I'm settling in seeing that I'll be ok, the kids will be ok, and presto: Weight returns..... but I'll take that over anxiety from hell any day. And to think ladies, I didn't even take any drugs to get through it (though I should have) .......

Paintings

I though you might like to see some paintings I've been working on lately. The mermaid coffee cup canvas is available at my etsy shop.

A late night

We had old friends over tonight, old friends that have remained friends from when I was married. You see, W and I were friends when I was married, she was a best friend. There was another couple who always came over to cook out or came to parties. They had a son the same age as my oldest. When the divorce happened, they were so wonderful. They remained friends with both me and XH. They understood me. Now they come over for cookouts with me and W. I appreciate and love them so much. So tonight, I am thankful, for those old friends that didn't decide to take sides and turn against me. And thankful for the fun carefree time we had laughing tonight. They are truly wonderful. And isn't having people over great?
In the afternoon W and I took the boys to an outdoor concert and heard Johnny Cash songs performed live outside in someone's back yard. Then came home and had good food with good friends. Life is good.
L

Social problems with lesbians

Ok, JL and I have been wondering as of late.... Does anyone else notice the weirdness in the lesbian social arena? I mean, for lack of finding a better way of putting it, the lesbians around here are just flat out unsociable. We go to the one lesbian bar that we know of and ... my gosh... those women are scary! They are either in a group and they all know each other, obviously, and would rather not speak or even look at you. Or they look to be "on the prowl" and most of them are scary, like, drunk, mean looking and seem crazy. I don't mean to sound bad here, I would give them a chance, but they don't seem to want to talk to us. I have to admit, we both look like a couple of soccer moms. I have not quite yet managed to find my perfect blended look in my new found lesbianism. That perfect blend of girly yet enough of a dykey look to seem like I fit in. Ya know what I mean? Maybe I need to work on my image. Or maybe we should give up on finding other couples to be friends with. We have a lot of straight friends who are great. But, you know, we still need a little more lesbian in our life, so as not to feel like were such a different breed.
Give me some advice, anybody? I'd love it.
for now,
L

100 things about me

Well, these things make you seem shamelessly self absorbed, but it's just for me anyway probably. So I am doing it. I really kind of liked the format of telling about myself in a list. I may do more in this way. I do like reading other people's

1. I am starting this blog to be brutally honest with myself about my feelings, sort of a journal of sorts
2. I hope I will make some connections through it, though I don’t have to.
3. I was married for 13yrs
4. I had two beautiful, wonderful, sweet, amazing, uplifting, boys
5. Yes, BOYS mind you. Never thought I’d be raising boys
6. They are the center of my world and I love them very much
7. I refer to them as SB (sweet boy) and WB (wild boy)
8. That’s because one of them is WILD and one of them is SWEET but still wild, the other is just wilder, and I had to come up with an acronym.
9. Today marks the 1 year anniversary of my divorce.
10. I never thought I would get a divorce
11. I had to get a divorce because I realized I was a lesbian at the age of 40
12. I thought that I was the only one this had ever happened to.
13. I was wrong. I’ve found out that it is not all that uncommon
14. I felt stronger about this than anything ever before.
15. It totally rocked my world
16. I felt very scared when this happened
17. Never wanted to hurt my H
18. He did not deserve it, but I couldn’t help it.
19. He does not believe that I am a lesbian
20. I went through Hell and back to get where I am today
21. Thus, the reason I should write a blog
22. I hurt too many people when all this happened
23. I have a lot of guilt about it but I’m working on forgiving myself
24. I have a wonderful partner who I love to death. She makes me happy
25. Her name is JL, (I’ll explain that term later)
26. She loves and adores me and I’m amazed that she loves me
27. I couldn’t tell my H that I had fallen for her at first
28. Which means I guess I had an affair, no I did have an affair
29. I never thought I would do that
30. I went to therapy for 2 months then told him about it
31. That was an awful day
32. My XH hates me
33. This makes me sad
34. He was an unhappy man for the whole time I was married to him
35. It was hard to live with someone so miserable
36. He would not get help
37. He was mean to me, but I thought that was my fault
38. I thought everything was my fault
39. My partners ex also hates me
40. I hope in time she won’t
41. I had never been with a woman before that kiss
42. But I’d fantasized about it
43. I never enjoyed sex and thought that a lot of women didn’t
44. I thought that was normal
45. I did like seeing two women together in the rare porn movie my XH and I would watch
46. I thought that was normal too
47. I am an art major. Now I do graphic design
48. I love art more than anything, I’m passionate about it but I’m not that good
49. Sometimes I think I am just a wanna be artist
50. I have sold a few paintings though I can’t seem to be consistent
51. I love to collect original art for my house
52. I love my our new house
53. It is very adorable and JL helps me decorate it
54. I’m doing better than I thought I would
55. My kids are definitely doing great, I was worried about them
56. I thank God for that
57. I am a very spiritual person and my faith is stronger than it was
58. I have a problem with judgmental people
59. I know that is sort of judgmental to say
60. I try to understand them
61. I think unless you are living your life like Mother Teresa, you can’t judge anyone
62. I don’t know anybody who is selling all of their worldly goods to help the less fortunate
63. I think God does care how you treat people
64. I was raised Southern Baptist, and I survived it
65. I have changed a lot of my beliefs since then
66. Southern Baptists now scare me, A LOT
67. But I also try to understand them
68. I have only lived in one state
69. I never had wheat bread until I was in college
70. or Chinese food
71. or Mexican food
72. and only pizza once or twice, I loved it!
73. I had a very sheltered life
74. When I came to college, I sort of went crazy trying all different kinds of food
75. I never took a drink of alcohol until my sophomore year, of college
76. I never smoked a cigarette either, and I only did that once in college
77. I never tried pot until I was 35
78. I didn’t get what all the fuss was about
79. I do drink now, mostly wine, red in winter, white in summer
80. My parents only had one birthday party for me as a child
81. When I asked my mother why, she said “because I(my mother) didn’t like to throw them”
82. It was at the one pizza parlor in the town I grew up in
83. That was my one pizza experience
84. We got a McDonalds in my hometown when I was in 7th grade
85. You could not get in that place for weeks because of the line
86. I worked as a graphic designer for many years
87. Then I stayed home to raise my kids
88. I don’t regret that, even though I’ve lost most of my skills and had to take an entry level job now
89. I loved being a SAHM(stay at home mom)
90. Working has been as big an adjustment as my divorce
91. Maybe a bigger one
92. I’m shopping for another career
93. I love art and being creative, helping people, and talking, lots and lots of talking
94. Someone I know thinks I should be a therapist, and specialize in women who discover they are gay later in life.
95. Maybe?
96. I REALLY want to travel with my JL one day.
97. I hated traveling with my XH
98. He would be mean to me and he was OCD and had anxiety
99. I really hated it
100. I love traveling with my JL and my kids

To all my old friends who don’t like me anymore

Since this blog is fairly new, and I am being totally honest about everything, I thought I’d post an open letter to all those so called friends of mine who decided that my “awakening” to being a lesbian, and finding happiness for the first time in my life was “too much for them.” Funny how it’s all about them, huh?

To those of you out there, you know who you are, even though you will never read this,
I never meant for this to happen to me. I never would have knowingly entered into a compromising situation with a man. I never wanted to get a divorce. I was determined to make my marriage work. Even though it was hard, really hard - and even though my ex was mean to me, making me cry over the silliest things like say, the door not being locked when he came home from work. Even though you did not know I was not happy, I wasn’t. Then, when much to my surprise, I found myself wanting to kiss my best friend when we were out of town, which I did because I was tipsy, and it totally rocked my world, I took a couple of months to get my head straight and figure out what in the hell I needed to do. I was reeling mind you. I talked to you about it, you said it was ok and that you wanted to be there for me. I felt your friendship and I needed it so bad. You continued to talk to me, giving me your advice and trying to help me find my way. You even seemed to like talking about these things. You said I seemed happy and that maybe this would all be ok. Now, here’s the part I don’t get. Maybe you’ve never been through a horrific yet wonderful life changing event like this. Maybe you don’t know what it feels like to be a soccer mom with the perfect looking everything and a stay home mom, then to have everything you know to be true challenged. Maybe you can’t imagine what it feels like to be there and be blown away when your entire sexual identity and everything you thought your life was is hanging in the air. Maybe you don’t really know or care for that matter what it feels like to be hanging out on a limb, holding on for dear life to anyone and anything you can, just being thankful that your friend(s) will be there for you. Then, to be hit in the face with the fact that actually, that friend did not think you were taking her advice, and she did not want to talk to you, really. It was just too much for her. She thinks you should be doing things different and is tired of hearing you complain.

That, is not what friends do.

I would not have done that to you. I don’t dare say I’d never do it. (I’ve learned that one should never use the word never) However, I do recall putting up with a lot of your shit over the years, never once stopping being your friend, even though you did a few things that challenged me as your friend, like driving drunk for heaven’s sake. That is very serious indeed. But, did I talk bad about you or stop being your friend? NO. I would not do that to you. I knew you were going through a hard time and the last thing you needed was to lose a friend. So it really hurts to find out that you, the one I always thought would be there for me, couldn't. Or maybe you were just too fragile to handle the hell that (I) was going through.

and to my other friend, the one who I thought was always my best friend for a while before she moved away.... I told you of my awful turmoil later in the game. I told you while crying and telling you how horrible and guilty I felt, how I love my ex, though not as a husband anymore. I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want to ruin his world, but I was. And it made me sick. You were friends with him too. You at first told me how much you loved me and him and you wanted to support me through this. You wanted to help me figure out a way to help him through it. My God how I needed you. You were wonderful to me when I broke it to you through tears and panic. You agreed that we should think long and hard about how to tell him because he was so unpredicable. You were being my much needed friend and helping me decide the path I should take. Then, you pulled the rug from under my friendship. I never knew why, you never told me why. I was very hurt and the only thing I could guess was that you didn’t like the way i was handling myself. I was doing my best. And real friends are supposed to be your friend even when they think you are not handling things the way you would.

Real friends don’t abandon you if you make a mistake, even a really big one.

Real friends stay with you through it all.

I thought you were my real friend. You hurt me most of all. You made me feel as if any one I knew might change their mind about being my friend any moment. You made me stop trusting my instinct because I believed in you. I should have known you would do something like that, but I didn’t. That is the kind of person I am. Too trusting and open. I want you to know that even now, if you came back and wanted to start our friendship I probably would. I am just that vulnerable. But you won’t. Evidently I did something so horrible in your mind that it was unforgivable. I don’t know what that was. I am more guarded because of you. I take friendships slowly. And I always wonder if I’m doing something wrong or bad.

But don’t worry now. I will be fine. I have other friends and most of all I have JL to be there for me. I am steadily making my new life. It has not been easy, but I know it was the right thing to do. And the kids, they’re ok too. I am loving them and that is what they know, that I love them. I will never understand why you changed your mind about me. I guess you couldn’t handle it. But I really don’t need you anymore, any of you.

best and more tomorrow,
Lipstick

A new entry

Well, I am starting this diary of my life to document all of the immense changes I've been through over the last 1 - 1 1/2 years. This friday will mark the one year anniversary of my divorce. I divorced because after 13 yrs of marriage (yes 13!) at the young age of 41, I realized that I am a lesbian. It came as a great suprise to me. It really came as a suprise to my husband. I fell in love with my best friend. She was also his friend. It was sad. I didn't mean to hurt him. He had hurt me before with his harsh words but still, overall I did care for him and wanted the best for him. I couldn't help it that I fell so hard for my best friend. And boy did it rock my world too. It was the biggest damn thing that has happened to me my whole life, next to the birth of my 2 gorgeous sons. I'll call them SB and WB. (sweet boy and wild boy) We'll call my best friend JL.(maybe I'll tell you later what that stands for, but she'll kill me) Anyway, here I was, just being best friends and feeling like I'd rather spend all my time with her instead of my H... that's normal right? Don't most wives want to spend all their time with their best friend? I thought so. I just wanted to be with her all the time. So did everyone though. (she's just that great) She loved my kids so much too. She had never had any of her own and she was happy to be the best aunt to them. Anyway, I was with her one night out of town, when I had a little to much wine I guess, and I wanted to kiss her. I had wanted to before, but just so I could see what it felt like. I know what you're thinking, that is me wanting to try out being a lesbian, it's just me being experimental. It was all that I guess. But when I did... boy did it rock my world! I have never in my life felt ANYTHING that strong. I thought lightening was shooting through my body. It was very shocking, and she was shocked too. She never had a clue I'd do that. Anyway, from that very moment I knew that my life would not be the same again. I didn't know what it all meant, but I did know that I was having a very BIG moment - I had started a snowball that could not be stopped.