Anger

W has an ex. They do pretty well getting along and have been trying to re-define their relationship. Every morning she brings the dogs before mentioned in previous post over to be be babysat - dogs coming to be babysat. I know, the dogs are the ones who suffer the most in a divorce.

Anyway, she never sees me or speaks to me, all done so as to be sensitive to her feelings. whatever - Anyway, this week, we just found out she is having this art sale thingy at her house, the same art sale that W used to put on when she lived there, to help promote her art business. This made W very mad (me too). They have been "fighting" this week. I swear, W tries hard to get along with her, and now this??? It has left me feeling really crappy inside. Just the same crappy feeling I used to have when my XH wasing suing me for 3,000 dollars earlier this year, and the same sick crappy feeling that I had when his snake lawyer was using loop holes to take money from my kids when they were with me. Just plain old awful anger. I am not normally an angry person, nor do I like it when people are mad at me, in fact, I hate it. I just like everybody to be happy and get along, is that too much to ask? (yes, it is W tells me)

Anyway, I hate that angry feeling. It is like a toxic poisonous feeling inside me. Last year, when the snake lawyer was doing all that stuff, I had a dream that I shot him. That dream was disturbing to me because I am usually such a soft non-angry person.
Anyway, no dreams yet of killing W's ex. .......yet.

Our Pets

I thought I'd put some pictures of our pets here. I have not figured out how to do captions yet, so I will list the names. We also have two dwarf hamsters and used to have a snake, but it died.
A little glimpse at our pets, the boys love them all and love to show them off.
The dogs belonged to W in her previous relationship, she shares custody of them, just like I share custody of my kids. It works out well.

top: Tucker, the labrodoodle
next: Scout(border collie) and Tucker
next: Hitchcock, our cockatiel
last: Tucker with Hitchcock

Bottles

Look at this cool picture of bottles on our windowsill. W took it yesterday. I just love the colors and the way the light comes through. We both love to play around with photography. more to come
L

Could you pass high school?

Well, once again, the kid thing has kicked my ass. I have to say, my oldest is in 6th grade this year, one week into it, and last night he brought home some of the hardest math homework I've ever seen. It was called expodentials?? Not sure of the spelling and after all I am the dumbest person on the planet, or at least the dumbest in my house so who knows. So he brings home this worksheet. I had to be at his school til 7 for a parent meeting. W stayed home with them and by the time I got home they were bathed, they had dinner, homework was done. And my dinner was on the stove waiting for me. God I love her. Anyway, WB was watching tv. I asked about the homework, was it ok? did he need any help? He said no. It was done. I helped SB(8yr old) with his homework and explained a couple of things to him. Then I told WB that I should at least look over his homework. I looked - I did NOT understand it. I asked WB to explain it to me. He proceeded to explain it - how you do it - what 2 to the sixth power means etc etc.

Then I start looking at it applying his rules - It is all wrong! Almost every problem.

I ask, "What is wrong with this answer? How did you come up with it?

note: I notice that there is no scribbling in the margins.

He says, Oh, I did the problem, They are close to being right! The silly future ditch digger child had not done the problems at all. He had just guessed or gotten "close." I proceed to read him the riot act. I tell him that every math sheet had better show his work from now on. There are no "almost right answers" He will have to check and re-check his work. I swear, the math was not easy, but he even knew how to do it, because he told me! He just DIDN'T DO IT.

I do not understand

Does he want to quit 6th grade now and just learn a skill?
That would save us a lot of trouble and money.

So, I found this little quiz to see if I could pass high school.
I obviously failed ....

as my soon to be teenage son will do if I don't kick him in the ass every night!!!
YIKES!!!

You Failed High School

Time to hit the books!

Could You Pass High School?

Your perfect hairstyle

found this just now, and it's weird how close it is to my own real hairstyle

Your Ideal Hairstyle:

Layered Bob

What Women's Hairstyle Is Right For You?

What you call her

I have thought about this some lately. For those of you who do not know my story, I came from a 14 year typical marriage, two boys, a dog, a house in very upscale area here in the city I live in. I had a best friend who happened to be gay. My H knew it, loved her to death, we both did. I spent time every day with her as I was a stay home mom, and she worked from her home. We were meeting each other's emotional needs for years and didn't realize it. She was with her partner of 13+ yrs who did not really acknowledge their relationship as valid, to others or herself. Any way when I kissed her one night and my life changes forever in that second, I didn't stop to think about my identity or if I'd fit in in a lesbian social scene, etc. That self discovery and questioning came over the next 3-4 months in hell therapy.

I wondered at first what she would be: my partner? too formal. My wife? yes, better, but still not acceptable to society? Girlfriend, No way! That sounds like something you do in high school, teenyboppers and class rings.

I wanted to write a post about our names for each other. What do you call her? Your partner, wife or girlfriend? or other? And what do you call her when no one else is around? Sweetie, Pooky, Baby? Feel free to elaborate on the special names you have for her.

Please answer this question with the name you call her to the world, and your pet names you use in private. I get to be a voyer to your lives in this post. I can't wait to hear our funny little names we call each other. For me, I sometimes call her Baby, and I'm working on finding another one that's more original.... hmm.. I know one will come out that fits her.

Aren't they cute!

I know, i've gone a little crazy tonight - but W went to bed and fell asleep before the kids, so normally I go to bed at the same time and we talk or cuddle or ?? if the kids aren't here. But tonight I am staying up blogging and surfing since she is passed out in there anyway.

But look at the cute find she got for me the other day at an antique shop. We just love ot collect dishes, and especially dishes from the fifties. We found these turquoise plastic dishes! Aren't they cute? and aren't we so domestic. Tomorrow I may do a post about what we call each oher, not us in particular, but all of us. I just hate the word partner, and girlfriend sounds so juvenile, don't you think? well for later.
L

some great kids art

I thought I'd post a quick picture of some of the great art W does with all of her students. As and artist myself, I just love kids art. It is the best. They have no big hangups about what it's supposed to look like, so they end up just drawing and painting on pure instinct. It's so uninhibited. I would kill to be able to be this free with my art. Well, maybe not kill, but you get my drift.

vacations and hoping for miracles

Nothing much happening today. I'm excited because W and I are going out of town this weekend to see some friends and have some "us" time. She has had a very busy summer with her summer day camps she puts on. In one of the last weeks, she had 35 kids! Yikes. After 7 weeks of that, she needs a vacation. Today my boys get picked up from school by her and we have them for 2 nights before they go back to their dad. Things are reasonably well between he and I, considering. But he does not like to communicate. That really bugs me, I'll email and ask a question and it's 3 or 4 days before he'll answer, if he answers. I only communicate about the kids. Well, that's ok for now. Hopefully it will get better.

My youngest got the teacher I wanted this year.

But keep my oldest's teacher in your prayers. She found out at the end of last school year that her 7 yr old son has a malignant brain tumor. It is a very rare, almost always adult cancer, in a very bad part of his brain. He was selected for a "make a wish" vacation and they are there now. And on top of all that, her dad died suddenly last week. She and her family are such nice people. Maybe if we all pray for a miracle...

for now,
L

adolescence rears it's head

People, for some time now I've told you about my boys. Well, WB, who is about to turn 12 has been "pms ing" for a number of months now. It hasn't been that bad, just an occasional temper tantrum, He'd go to his room and come out back to his old self. I called him bad B when he is in one of these moods, and good B when he's the old kid. He loves this as you can imagine. I've been thinking of giving the new personality a name, like Fred or Wilbur, but I digress. Anyway, this weekend it got worse! I took him to Target for school supplies and for a haircut (he has been growing it long this summer and it was really long, in his eyes, he had to shake his head to see you) He agreed that his hair should be "shaped up" We go to this chain store of haircuts which has a sports theme, we tell the lady how he wants it, she chops all his hair off. I swear, even I was mad at her! He fell apart. Cried all the way home, spent a good hour in the bathroom trying to make it grow, or look better or who know what else he was doing in there. He is obsessed with his looks. He tried on 3 or 4 pairs of jeans before finally settling on one that was too tight IMO. He primps before going out. 6 months ago the kid could care less if he changed his clothes every day or had ketchup on his shirt when we went out. Keep in mind that all these changes are merely emotional. He has not grown, he's a foot shorter than everybody, he has not facial hair, no physical changes. So he looks like this little kid but he's acting like a freakin 16 yr old. His best friend, on the other hand, has practically a full beard, his voice has changed, he's about 5'10", and he acts like an 8 yr old. Puberty is cruel I tell you. What am I going to do with a teenage boy around the house. I don't even want to think about what they do at night by themselves. YIKES!
later,
L

Guilt and Sadness overtaking

I found myself immersed this morning in guilt and sadness. I called my boys last night to talk to them and the little one said he wanted to go to lunch with me today, he didn’t realize he was coming to my house today, he missed me. I told him he was going to be with me today. He said “yay” It made me feel sad even though I know this is how it has to be.
But he is my baby.
I miss his soft cheeks and hands and neck.
I miss being able to go to the zoo when we want.
I miss being with them every day.
I miss being a stay home mom.
I don’t want to go to work today.
I want to stay home and hug my babies.
I know it has to be this way
But it’s sad sometimes
And I find myself feeling guilty for doing this to them, to us
I know I was unhappy with him
But as time goes by I sometimes don’t remember
I just feel bad for it. I want to get away from this, to make the feeling go away.
Guilt is not constructive.

As so often it does, these feelings led to more bad feelings surrounding my sister who I have not told yet about me.
She will judge me. I know she won’t talk to me anymore. Our relationship, as bad as it is, will be worse or non existant.
I feel guilt about that too.
She will hate me for lying
But she’d have hated me for telling the truth too

She will hate me for not telling her the real reason for my divorce and there will never never be anything I can do to make her understand or to make up for that. I feel terrible about it now, but….

I couldn’t risk telling my family and losing my kids in a trial
I could not tell them before.
I didn’t trust them to not side with HIM and try to take my boys away.

She will think I’ve lost my mind and I’m evil

She may already know or suspect, and thus, the silence will go on until I decide to just do it.
Just tell her and hear her judgement.

I will need a lot of encouragement and support from my friends to not think I’m a terrible mother.

I had a terrible mother and now I fear being one.
It’s a fear in the pit of my stomach and I constantly battle those feelings.

But

I know I’m a good mother.
My kids DO love me
They won’t hate me one day
I hope

Lori