Well, I know it's been a while since I posted. I, as you can guess have been busy. I have felt very weird and vulnerable lately. I know this job was a blessing, (since my old job is now disolved) and it will turn out in the end, but all of the hoops I've had to jump through have been a little much. I am amazed at the amount of paperwork one must fill out for the government. It is such overkill. I spent 6 hours on Monday night just filling out forms for my upcoming evaluation. And I'm not finished. And I will have to fill out more when I'm done being evaluated. And I will be evaluated 2 more times before May. I am making it through this maze, but barely I feel. I sort of have a dark and heavy feeling about me right now and can't explain why.
There are multiple "irons in the fire" as they say. This is just one of many worries.
here are a few:
money worries since we are paying college tuition x 2 (we've been eating chicken noodle soup for days waiting for a pay check)
it's bitter cold here and I'm worried my heater will go out and I'll have no money to fix it
I'm worried I can't save money for the summer
I have to wait in line at the local school board to try to get my son #2 into a new school (more hoops)
we're both taking a college course
I feel really fat
I can't find time to exercise
I'm worried about my van breaking down
I have 2 classes at school that are more like guarding a prison than teaching. no teaching takes place. (this item could be elaborated on later. It is a really big and sad problem with no solution. depressing. scary. )
I have not made a single friend at my school and I really need one
taxes are coming up
I'm worried my ex will try to re-calculate my child support
I feel like I look so old
anyway... this is a very disjointed post, I know. It is just a brainstorm, because that's what my brain is like lately, a storm. I just need to talk to someone and do have some friends. but they are busy. and I don't want to call them and complain.
maybe some medication is in order??
later,
L
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Dr King and faith
Well, I just couldn't resist, RSG was becoming a student, I had too also. Not really, I had been working on it for a while, ever since I took the teaching job. But it is official, I have been accepted into graduate school for art! I have always dreamed of taking more art classes now that I am a more appreciative mature grown up. When I was in school, they were just nuisance's, art classes that is. I am so excited about taking art again and learning about teaching it. W and I are enrolled in a great art school that is just around the corner from house. It is small and in the middle of a historic city park and beautiful. We will now be able to take part in all of their shows as well. Class starts this Tuesday night. Then in May, we have to take a class that lasts for only 3 weeks, but meets every night from 5:30 til 9. That will be interesting. All of these requirements put on us to keep our jobs are very tough, but all along the way, there have been gifts that have been given, like having a man at our church agree to update W's disability testing status so she can have an un-timed test. I do believe that these are blessings from God because we took a leap of faith in doing this.
We just went to church this morning and every time I go it ends up being a blessing. My pastor did a sermon today about Dr. King and how, he would not have been the same man if it had not been for his faith, and the work he did might not have happened. That struck a cord with me. When he was preaching and leading the civil rights movement, many "Christians" were misguided and thought the things he was saying were against the teaching of God and the bible. That belief was largely based on fear. Likewise, today we have many people who are Christians who are so afraid of loving gay couples changing what they falsely believe to be the "right way to live."
My faith has always been a strong part of who I was. For some time, organized religion was not, but I now believe that if we listen to what is in our hearts, and strive to do no harm, that this IS God's spirit working in us. I was then able to embrace my faith and religion and hopefully be the change I want to see in organized religion. There are so many people out there who are devout and sensitive Christians being told their lifestyle is not compatible with God's teachings.
This needs to change and it is changing. Even the mainstream religions are starting to question this as more and more evidence is pointing to the fact that being gay is really genetic, and also that some of the passages previously thought to be anti-homosexual in the bible are really anti- casual promiscuity.
Anyway, I am not a scholar in this subject and will stop before I go too far, but I do know what is in my heart and that I feel closer to my God now than I ever have. I spent many hours in prayer when all of my changes were taking place. I begged for a sign if it was not what was supposed to happen.
Not too long ago in my Sunday school class, we talked about how Christians should stop trying to figure out the details of what is right and wrong, and just love everyone the way Christ did. After that, trust that the holy spirit will work in people's lives. We are not here to judge, we are here to show God's love, the spirit will take care of the rest.
PS: I apologize for my overly spiritual tone if you do not agree. But this is a blog about my feelings and this is what I am moved to write today.
We just went to church this morning and every time I go it ends up being a blessing. My pastor did a sermon today about Dr. King and how, he would not have been the same man if it had not been for his faith, and the work he did might not have happened. That struck a cord with me. When he was preaching and leading the civil rights movement, many "Christians" were misguided and thought the things he was saying were against the teaching of God and the bible. That belief was largely based on fear. Likewise, today we have many people who are Christians who are so afraid of loving gay couples changing what they falsely believe to be the "right way to live."
My faith has always been a strong part of who I was. For some time, organized religion was not, but I now believe that if we listen to what is in our hearts, and strive to do no harm, that this IS God's spirit working in us. I was then able to embrace my faith and religion and hopefully be the change I want to see in organized religion. There are so many people out there who are devout and sensitive Christians being told their lifestyle is not compatible with God's teachings.
This needs to change and it is changing. Even the mainstream religions are starting to question this as more and more evidence is pointing to the fact that being gay is really genetic, and also that some of the passages previously thought to be anti-homosexual in the bible are really anti- casual promiscuity.
Anyway, I am not a scholar in this subject and will stop before I go too far, but I do know what is in my heart and that I feel closer to my God now than I ever have. I spent many hours in prayer when all of my changes were taking place. I begged for a sign if it was not what was supposed to happen.
Not too long ago in my Sunday school class, we talked about how Christians should stop trying to figure out the details of what is right and wrong, and just love everyone the way Christ did. After that, trust that the holy spirit will work in people's lives. We are not here to judge, we are here to show God's love, the spirit will take care of the rest.
PS: I apologize for my overly spiritual tone if you do not agree. But this is a blog about my feelings and this is what I am moved to write today.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Juno
Oh my gosh! I almost forgot, Juno. We saw Juno over the Christmas break and it was amazing. Definitely see Juno if you haven't. It is getting oscar buzz but even without that, it was a really great storytelling movie. By that, I mean, it was a movie that told a simple story. No special effects, no action, just a well acted story. Ellen Page was incredible and you left feeling a little better about the .... ahem.. much younger generation. and educated about all the new teen lingo too I might add.
See it!
later,
L
See it!
later,
L
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Puccini for beginners
We watched a movie last night I had from Netflix. It was called Puccini for beginners. I heard about it on this website. I must say, it was a funny, well done, romantic comedy about a lesbian or bisexual who falls for both a guy and a girl at the same time. I won't say any more about the plot that that, but I would highly recommend it. I thought the main character played by Elizabeth Reaser was adorable and the actress did a fantastic job. She is the same actress who played the patient on Grey's anatomy that had an accident and they had to rebuild her face.. and the cute Dr. Corev fell for her.
And that my fellow bloggers is my first movie review done while blogging.
Actually it is my first movie review ever, unless you count running my mouth a lot.
Watch it and let me know how you like it!
later,
L
And that my fellow bloggers is my first movie review done while blogging.
Actually it is my first movie review ever, unless you count running my mouth a lot.
Watch it and let me know how you like it!
later,
L
Monday, January 14, 2008
crazy weekend update
Friday afternoon I realized I was signed up for a national board exam for teachers on Sat. morning. I had not studied. I would have to cram all Friday night instead of have a nice date night.
Then I got an email that said some things were due to my proposed college that I need to attend in order to keep my job. W and I are in the process of being admitted into graduate school for our art teacher certification. We found out a deadline was Friday for some things. That's ok I said, we'll just rush home at 3:30 and get it togeter
Then after school W called and had locked her keys in her van! I had to drive across town to get her, then we had to rush home to get said items. We could not make it in the traffic. School closed at 4:30. made many phone calls to try to let someone know. turned out it was ok.
whew! But the van! the locksmith had to be called. we called. he could not open it. we called another, he came and 2hrs and $45 later we had the keys. drove back home.
Study till 11:30 then pass out.
Up at 6 to go take test. The test went ok, I think. I am one to the weirdest people in the world obviously. I actually like taking these kind of tests. It is fun to me. Now, I have no idea whether I did pass it or not. I had to guess at several answers. I mean, it's been 25 yrs since I knew which painting ushered in the dutch expressionist movement in the 18th century... or.. whether Degas and Mary Cassat shared a studio or they just both like to paint the human form. It is kind of like trivial pursuit to me. except it cost $100 and my livelyhood depends on it. Seriously though, I get more chances to take the test so I will be fine. I would be so pumped it I passed it though.
Home again. Saturday night we had an old friend over. She is going through a divorce and has been separated for 2 years. She needs to move on but is stuck. W and I tried to give her some confidence that she would make it. I know she will. She is a sharp lady and a great Mom. She stayed over drinking wine until 12:30 though and we were tired.
Sunday to do:
take Christmas tree down (not done)
make lesson plans (check)
grocery shop (check)
decide a major life decision about what school my kids should go to next year. (ended up talking to the ex H for 2 hours on the phone about it -- still not decided)
get extra key made for W's van (not done)
watch the last dvd of the L word we had (ended up staying up until 12:30 doing so)
Whew! I am tired and looking forward to tonight
Then I got an email that said some things were due to my proposed college that I need to attend in order to keep my job. W and I are in the process of being admitted into graduate school for our art teacher certification. We found out a deadline was Friday for some things. That's ok I said, we'll just rush home at 3:30 and get it togeter
Then after school W called and had locked her keys in her van! I had to drive across town to get her, then we had to rush home to get said items. We could not make it in the traffic. School closed at 4:30. made many phone calls to try to let someone know. turned out it was ok.
whew! But the van! the locksmith had to be called. we called. he could not open it. we called another, he came and 2hrs and $45 later we had the keys. drove back home.
Study till 11:30 then pass out.
Up at 6 to go take test. The test went ok, I think. I am one to the weirdest people in the world obviously. I actually like taking these kind of tests. It is fun to me. Now, I have no idea whether I did pass it or not. I had to guess at several answers. I mean, it's been 25 yrs since I knew which painting ushered in the dutch expressionist movement in the 18th century... or.. whether Degas and Mary Cassat shared a studio or they just both like to paint the human form. It is kind of like trivial pursuit to me. except it cost $100 and my livelyhood depends on it. Seriously though, I get more chances to take the test so I will be fine. I would be so pumped it I passed it though.
Home again. Saturday night we had an old friend over. She is going through a divorce and has been separated for 2 years. She needs to move on but is stuck. W and I tried to give her some confidence that she would make it. I know she will. She is a sharp lady and a great Mom. She stayed over drinking wine until 12:30 though and we were tired.
Sunday to do:
take Christmas tree down (not done)
make lesson plans (check)
grocery shop (check)
decide a major life decision about what school my kids should go to next year. (ended up talking to the ex H for 2 hours on the phone about it -- still not decided)
get extra key made for W's van (not done)
watch the last dvd of the L word we had (ended up staying up until 12:30 doing so)
Whew! I am tired and looking forward to tonight
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Random post, 1/10
I could not decide one thing to write about tonight, so I'll post on a couple of different topics:
Topic 1: the Oprah show re-run of the wives who figure out they are gay
Loved it! I have it on my Tevo saved forever, but since Oprah aired it again for the 3rd time, I had to watch it again too. I told W I am keeping it forever on the Tevo box. She laughed at me a little, but I told her, this is my story and it just makes me feel good to watch it. I had been feeling some guilt again for some reason about my ex and ruining his life. Watching this, made me realize again that it was something that I had to do. It's not that I ever didn't think I had to, just that nowadays I will sometimes forget that feeling of inevitable-ness I had when I'm wallowing in guilt. I know that it would not have been fair to stay with him and not be 100% with him, and likewise with W and her ex, who was a woman. Anyway, it is worth watching again from time to time.
Topic 2: Am I the only woman in blog land who does not like Hillary?
I know, she showed some emotion the other day and that was good for her, but for some reason, my gut feeling is that I just do not trust her. Why is that exactly? I did not hate Bill. I think it is a great idea to elect a woman. I just feel that she says what she thinks people want her to say and does this little dance with the issues. With one group she says she was always against the war, with another she sidesteps that and acts as though she was for it, but now against it. I caught myself wondering.. do I judge her because she is a woman? I don't mean to. I know that if she were a man, no one would think one iota about what she says being mean or would not be so hard on her. But still, I just do not like her one bit. It is a gut thing. I can't figure out why exactly. I do think that seeing her have a human emotion is much better. I think I maybe don't like seeing women who don't really show emotion. It does not seem natural. Please, chime in on this topic if you all want. Not meaning to offend anyone here either, this is just my opinion, or rather my "feeling." I do like Obama however. I would definitely vote for him. I will be voting democrat this year, but I will have a very hard time voting for Hilary if she wins the bid. I have always been a swing voter myself, voting for who I feel will do the best job but not on party lines alone. I'm not sure, but I may have to be totally a democratic voter now because of the gay right issue. I do really like Rudy on the republican side, but he is not looking like he will win anyway. He is the only one of the republicans who is not in bed with the damn religious right, which may be why he is losing that bid.
Topic 3: Coming out to old friends you have not seen in ages
We were invited to dinner saturday night with a couple who does know my story. She invited another of her friends over whom I used to know fairly well, on a casual basis, you know, I never went out with this girl or never did things with her and her husband as a couple, but would see her often at my son's school, target, eating out etc. I even talked to her several times about a job. She was not a good friend of mine but more than an acquaintance. Anyway, I asked friend 1 if this girl knew I was divorced etc. Friend 1 said she would let her know ahead of time if I did not mind so as to not make her or me feel awkward. Apparently, she told her on the phone and the girl sort of freaked out. She had a good friend leaving her husband for another man and was devasted by it. They all did a lot as a group. Anyway, friend 2 came over even though she was freaked and just did not make eye contact or talk to me. I was a bit shocked to say the least. Talked to friend 1 the next day and she apologized a lot and said that she suggested for her to do whatever she needed to, ie: not come if need be. The girl came anyway.
Got me to thinking... why is this so disturbing to her when she did not know me all that well and did not know my ass of an ex H at all. What makes her think she can assume anything about my life. My kids are doing really well and even the ass Ex and I are getting along ok. I don't think it was a homophobic issue with her, just a divorce issue. I find it funny how some people have a problem with one or the other. divorce or being gay, but not both. I mean, it's my life not her's. Why not just be glad we are all doing ok and smile and wish me luck on this next part of my journey. I have to say it is probably fear generating this reaction. She is afraid it could happen to her, divorce that is. And she should realize that it could happen to anybody, even her. But that is too scary for her I'm sure. It was for me too but I made it.
Just a few random thoughts on this Thursday night. The weekend is coming up people. Our alone date night weekend! Yay! We have no money but we'll just stay home and rent the L word... my, my.
later
L
Topic 1: the Oprah show re-run of the wives who figure out they are gay
Loved it! I have it on my Tevo saved forever, but since Oprah aired it again for the 3rd time, I had to watch it again too. I told W I am keeping it forever on the Tevo box. She laughed at me a little, but I told her, this is my story and it just makes me feel good to watch it. I had been feeling some guilt again for some reason about my ex and ruining his life. Watching this, made me realize again that it was something that I had to do. It's not that I ever didn't think I had to, just that nowadays I will sometimes forget that feeling of inevitable-ness I had when I'm wallowing in guilt. I know that it would not have been fair to stay with him and not be 100% with him, and likewise with W and her ex, who was a woman. Anyway, it is worth watching again from time to time.
Topic 2: Am I the only woman in blog land who does not like Hillary?
I know, she showed some emotion the other day and that was good for her, but for some reason, my gut feeling is that I just do not trust her. Why is that exactly? I did not hate Bill. I think it is a great idea to elect a woman. I just feel that she says what she thinks people want her to say and does this little dance with the issues. With one group she says she was always against the war, with another she sidesteps that and acts as though she was for it, but now against it. I caught myself wondering.. do I judge her because she is a woman? I don't mean to. I know that if she were a man, no one would think one iota about what she says being mean or would not be so hard on her. But still, I just do not like her one bit. It is a gut thing. I can't figure out why exactly. I do think that seeing her have a human emotion is much better. I think I maybe don't like seeing women who don't really show emotion. It does not seem natural. Please, chime in on this topic if you all want. Not meaning to offend anyone here either, this is just my opinion, or rather my "feeling." I do like Obama however. I would definitely vote for him. I will be voting democrat this year, but I will have a very hard time voting for Hilary if she wins the bid. I have always been a swing voter myself, voting for who I feel will do the best job but not on party lines alone. I'm not sure, but I may have to be totally a democratic voter now because of the gay right issue. I do really like Rudy on the republican side, but he is not looking like he will win anyway. He is the only one of the republicans who is not in bed with the damn religious right, which may be why he is losing that bid.
Topic 3: Coming out to old friends you have not seen in ages
We were invited to dinner saturday night with a couple who does know my story. She invited another of her friends over whom I used to know fairly well, on a casual basis, you know, I never went out with this girl or never did things with her and her husband as a couple, but would see her often at my son's school, target, eating out etc. I even talked to her several times about a job. She was not a good friend of mine but more than an acquaintance. Anyway, I asked friend 1 if this girl knew I was divorced etc. Friend 1 said she would let her know ahead of time if I did not mind so as to not make her or me feel awkward. Apparently, she told her on the phone and the girl sort of freaked out. She had a good friend leaving her husband for another man and was devasted by it. They all did a lot as a group. Anyway, friend 2 came over even though she was freaked and just did not make eye contact or talk to me. I was a bit shocked to say the least. Talked to friend 1 the next day and she apologized a lot and said that she suggested for her to do whatever she needed to, ie: not come if need be. The girl came anyway.
Got me to thinking... why is this so disturbing to her when she did not know me all that well and did not know my ass of an ex H at all. What makes her think she can assume anything about my life. My kids are doing really well and even the ass Ex and I are getting along ok. I don't think it was a homophobic issue with her, just a divorce issue. I find it funny how some people have a problem with one or the other. divorce or being gay, but not both. I mean, it's my life not her's. Why not just be glad we are all doing ok and smile and wish me luck on this next part of my journey. I have to say it is probably fear generating this reaction. She is afraid it could happen to her, divorce that is. And she should realize that it could happen to anybody, even her. But that is too scary for her I'm sure. It was for me too but I made it.
Just a few random thoughts on this Thursday night. The weekend is coming up people. Our alone date night weekend! Yay! We have no money but we'll just stay home and rent the L word... my, my.
later
L
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Wii training?
I spent many hours with my sons playing the Wii over the Christmas break. The sports ones were my favorites. Tennis was impossible for me to control, but the bowling and the boxing were so fun. However, after playing Wii boxing for about an hour one day, I noticed that I was quite sore the next day. I tried to figure out what in the world I had done to get so sore. Then it dawned on me... It was Wii! The kids would make fun of me when I was boxing because I would practically hit one of them who was in the way. They just gently moved their controllers while I swung and dodged like a Ty Bo class. I guess it was a good work out. Or, I am just terribly out of shape. I think it was the latter. Now the Wii is gone back to their dad's house. Now me and my wife shall settle in with a glass of wine to watch the first season of the L word. woo hoo! kid free for another night!
later,
L
later,
L
Back in the saddle
Well, I was dreading getting back to school (my teaching job), but was quite surprised yesterday that it was easier than I had thought it would be, and getting back into the routine feels nice, actually. I loved having the long break with my kids, but am glad they are with their dad for a couple of days. Too many dogs and kids for too many days is what I say. Last night was very nice. W and I took the dogs for a long walk, then took them home to their other momma, then we went to RP for a nice dinner and a couple of cosmos! Yeah! The dinner was good, the cosmos were even better, the company even better. W's principle came into her class unexpected yesterday. W just though she was observing. Come to find out it was a formal observation! She was supposed to be able to know about that ahead of time. She would have been freaked if she knew what was going on at the time. Anyway, seems she did ok, although the formal written evaluation has not been seen yet. W needed a drink! and I enjoyed one too. We came back and started to watch Medium but had to turn it off for the show was just too disturbing last night. What is it with TV these days? I miss Seinfeld, and Will and Grace. What ever happened to a good comedy. Everything is either reality shows or some dark creepy police drama about murders and s__t. Anyway, the night did turn out good after the TV went off.
Now it is off to teach the crazy children again today. Wish me luck on my second day back.
later,
L
Now it is off to teach the crazy children again today. Wish me luck on my second day back.
later,
L
Friday, January 4, 2008
Continued....
What is precious to me
To whomever shot a bullet through my window on New Years Eve, and to my city leaders,
I don't feel safe anymore. My city is riddled with crime. Within the last week, 3 people I know have had a major crime happen on their street. And we're not talking petty crimes either. Major things like drive by shootings, escaped suspects running on foot through the neighborhood, and me, I got a stray bullet through the bedroom window. I woke up new years day to find a whole in the window that is right by my bed. It took a while to register with me, but then I started figuring out - this was not rock that caused the whole. It was a bullet! I even found the bullet for proof later. It bounced off my headboard! While examining the whole, I noticed that it came from very high in the air. People in this city shoot up in the air on holidays. Go outside on any July 4th or New Years eve and you'll hear massive amounts of gun fire. Why these people can't buy fireworks, I don't know. Last year, a little girl was killed while standing outside on new years because one of these stray bullets came down and hit her head. This year, the gunfire was worse. People say they heard automatic weapons being shot. Now the question comes up: do we move, and if so, where to? No place in this city is really safe, but maybe another area would be a little better. Maybe I could have a 3 year plan to move. But for now, what? bullet proof glass? do I just trust that God is taking care of us? do I just not let my kids play outside? how would you all view this? a sign to move? or a sign that God didn't want me dead right now? I am very disturbed about this, but don't really know what to think.
for now,
L
Is it a sign?
Well, it has been a long time since my last post, but I have good excuse, really, lots of good excuses in fact. W and I got out for Christmas break on the 21st, the kids were with their dad until Christmas day, then with us until they go back to school on the 7th. They have been just a little high maintenance, well a lot high maintenance actually. My oldest is quite hyper and tends to get every kid in the room excited too. Imagine this.... me, W, the two wild boys, the two very large dogs that W shares custody of with her ex, W's nephew Ty who is visiting her brother, her brother's dog, all in a tiny two bedroom, 1200 sq foot house. Add to that, a new Wii, lots of other new toys, lots of chocolate in the stockings, and the dynamic that 3 boys have when they get together. All this, mixed with two new teachers who deal with really naughty kids all day, who also happen to have had very little alone time in two weeks, a 12 yr old boy who thinks he knows more than us and wants to challenge both of our authority at every turn, the visiting nephew who tends to have issues of bullying and not getting along with anyone .... well, it has been more than a little chaotic and even maddening. Last night, the boys' dad took them to his house for a visit. I was going to surprise W with a night at a hotel out of town, complete with a jacuzzi in the room. I booked the room, but then all of these before mentioned people would not leave, the dogs would not leave, nor could we find proper babysitters for said dogs. (you cannot believe the degree of pampering these dogs are used to. they have never spent a night and very few days alone. they require as much care as children, really). Anyway, needless to say, the hotel got canceled, but we still had a night alone to go to a nice cozy bar/restaurant and eat dinner, have wine, then go to a great movie. At last, a little relief from the holidays....
ahh the holidays, sounds of gunshots ringing out and a surprise in our bedroom...
to be continued....
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