Get Straight Programs: A sin or not a sin?

I was just wondering, this is a question that W and I talk about often. We both are from very conservative church backgrounds. I was Baptist and she was from an evangelical non-denominational church (just as scary as southern baptists) Now, when I first met W some 9 years ago, she was already in a relationship with her X but they were DEEP in the closet. I remember that on one of the very first times we got together as friends, the subject of homosexuality came up. I told her that I just wasn't sure what I thought about it, not sure it was really wrong, not sure if it was a choice, etc. She did not tell me she was gay, but in fact played devil's advocate as to why the Bible did state that it was wrong. We had an interesting discussion that night. A couple of weeks after that, she told me she was in fact gay and that she had struggled with her faith. She had been in leadership at her church when "IT" happened. She and her X had gone to counseling and tried to quit what they were doing. She even went through one of those "get straight" programs. I believe that she was testing me out to see if I would condemn her or not - at that time she was very careful who she told since she'd been excommunicated (more or less) from this church she loved so much, and didn't always trust friends either. So, over the next few years, we became much closer friends, she became like a favorite aunt to my kids, and a very close family friend of me and my X. She and her partner would come over to cook out or hang out nearly every weekend.

Incidentally, her partner was still in the closet all this time. W never told her that I knew they were gay. No one talked about it and they never showed affection in front of us.

I would go out every Thursday night for my "girls night" and my X went out once a week with his friends. On Thursday nights W and I would have great theological and deep discussions about this question. I always told her that she was one of the best people I'd ever known, kind to people, generous, giving and caring, non-judgemental, befriending society's off casts... how could who she loved matter that much. Would God condemn her for this while she was such a good person? Would that one thing about herself carry more weight somehow? I mean, why is that any more wrong than being greedy with your money or looking down on someone else, not helping the less fortunate? Human beings are just that, human. We are all no better at "being good" than the next. And was it really a sin in the first place? I mean, when the Bible talked about homosexuality being a sin, wasn't it really talking about the behavior in Sodom and Gomorrah, not a committed loving relationship? These were things that I helped her work through over the years. I took her to my little Methodist church that is more liberal than most. I told her that she could still be a good christian and be gay. After a while, we were able to reconcile our beliefs together. It wasn't until Nov. of 05 that we kissed and our world changed so quick.

Funny, all that talking I did to help her "be ok" with being gay, I guess it was preparing me for being gay too.

Maybe this has not been a struggle for some of you. I think growing up in the South and the Bible belt gives you a big ole Southern fried guilt trip. But if any of you have struggled with this, please weigh in on the subject. I've found a few websites I'll share that challenge the mainstream beliefs about the bible if any one is interested.

L

Am I a sucker?

I just ordered this weight loss tea for 37....some odd dollars. am I crazy or what? I am desparate for a few pounds to come off my waist, that's what. W will kill me.

More Pics

I thought I'd put some quick pictures of us on.
wish I knew how to do captions.
left is me and WB
right is SB
bottom left is W and friend S
bottom right is me
done for now. I think I've blogged my share today.
More tomorrow.
L

To clarify

That picture, the one just below of me and my son, that's SB, sweet boy, as I called him in my 100 things. I could not figure out how to add a caption so I wanted ya'll to know that. I may post more pictures later of both SB and WB.

A reason to be thankful and kiss my babies, (as if I needed a reason)

Well folks, I have to tell you about a worrisome development that happened on Tuesday. My youngest son was with his dad. He woke up in the morning and couldn’t walk straight. His legs were all wobbly and he kept falling. After deciding that he was not faking it, my XH called and said he was taking him to the doctor. He had asked a neighbor to look and she agreed. This worried me. Now XH was/is I suppose about the most alarmist person I’ve ever known. He will make a big deal out of nothing. He took the older one for a catscan once after he was hit with a baseball. It was a black eye. No weird eye crossing thing, no dizziness, nothing. He rushed him to the ER and paid for a catscan and nearly scared the kid to death.

Anyway, I digress. After the neighbor said he should take him, I worried. Of course I met him down there and the doctor examined him. They asked if he’d had a virus in the last couple of weeks. I said no. So they did send him for the catscan, thank goodness. I was starting to panic. His balance was off, that could mean a brain tumor. Those of you who know me, know that recently my friends little boy had a headache one day. She took him and withing 2 hours found out he had a huge tumor in his brain and they did surgery within 48 hours. It was indeed cancer, and it was a rare aggressive tumor that no one knows how to treat. It is usually found in adults, and they rarely make it. The prognosis is not good for him. I had all that swirling in my mind and I just felt sick. I can’t imagine what people go through who have their kids get really sick. The doctor was very worried too. Luckily, the scan came back normal. They diagnosed him with cerebral atoxia. It is a condition where, after certain viruses, the antibodies get into the middle ear and cause vertigo. It can last for a couple of weeks to months before it goes away. Leave it to us to have a strange illness that the doctor has only seen once so far this year. My little one is very sick and dizzy. But other than that, he is fine. They ran bloodwork etc and I bugged them about anything else it could be. I hope he’ll be feeling better soon. But I tell you, it makes you thankful. I love him so much. I love them both, but he’s my youngest and there is a special baby place in my heart for him. He will always be my baby. He still has that really soft cuddly baby quality to him. I wish I could kiss those cheeks right now.
W is watching him for me while I come to my dead end job. I guess it’s still a paycheck though.

Now stop reading this and go kiss your babies, human or 4 legged ones.

Later,
L

A busy day

I had such a busy day at work today, could not read blogs like I want. But at least the day went by fast. I spent the first part of the day feeling very distressed about my weight gain. I have put back all the weight that I'd lost during my going through hell anxiety because I was gay/getting divorced/went through 3 jobs in a year/worried the jerk XH would take me to court and I'd get a bigotted judge/ all of that caused me to be extremely anxious, thus losing weight. Now the anxiety/fear is gone, I'm settling in seeing that I'll be ok, the kids will be ok, and presto: Weight returns..... but I'll take that over anxiety from hell any day. And to think ladies, I didn't even take any drugs to get through it (though I should have) .......

Paintings

I though you might like to see some paintings I've been working on lately. The mermaid coffee cup canvas is available at my etsy shop.

A late night

We had old friends over tonight, old friends that have remained friends from when I was married. You see, W and I were friends when I was married, she was a best friend. There was another couple who always came over to cook out or came to parties. They had a son the same age as my oldest. When the divorce happened, they were so wonderful. They remained friends with both me and XH. They understood me. Now they come over for cookouts with me and W. I appreciate and love them so much. So tonight, I am thankful, for those old friends that didn't decide to take sides and turn against me. And thankful for the fun carefree time we had laughing tonight. They are truly wonderful. And isn't having people over great?
In the afternoon W and I took the boys to an outdoor concert and heard Johnny Cash songs performed live outside in someone's back yard. Then came home and had good food with good friends. Life is good.
L

Social problems with lesbians

Ok, JL and I have been wondering as of late.... Does anyone else notice the weirdness in the lesbian social arena? I mean, for lack of finding a better way of putting it, the lesbians around here are just flat out unsociable. We go to the one lesbian bar that we know of and ... my gosh... those women are scary! They are either in a group and they all know each other, obviously, and would rather not speak or even look at you. Or they look to be "on the prowl" and most of them are scary, like, drunk, mean looking and seem crazy. I don't mean to sound bad here, I would give them a chance, but they don't seem to want to talk to us. I have to admit, we both look like a couple of soccer moms. I have not quite yet managed to find my perfect blended look in my new found lesbianism. That perfect blend of girly yet enough of a dykey look to seem like I fit in. Ya know what I mean? Maybe I need to work on my image. Or maybe we should give up on finding other couples to be friends with. We have a lot of straight friends who are great. But, you know, we still need a little more lesbian in our life, so as not to feel like were such a different breed.
Give me some advice, anybody? I'd love it.
for now,
L

100 things about me

Well, these things make you seem shamelessly self absorbed, but it's just for me anyway probably. So I am doing it. I really kind of liked the format of telling about myself in a list. I may do more in this way. I do like reading other people's

1. I am starting this blog to be brutally honest with myself about my feelings, sort of a journal of sorts
2. I hope I will make some connections through it, though I don’t have to.
3. I was married for 13yrs
4. I had two beautiful, wonderful, sweet, amazing, uplifting, boys
5. Yes, BOYS mind you. Never thought I’d be raising boys
6. They are the center of my world and I love them very much
7. I refer to them as SB (sweet boy) and WB (wild boy)
8. That’s because one of them is WILD and one of them is SWEET but still wild, the other is just wilder, and I had to come up with an acronym.
9. Today marks the 1 year anniversary of my divorce.
10. I never thought I would get a divorce
11. I had to get a divorce because I realized I was a lesbian at the age of 40
12. I thought that I was the only one this had ever happened to.
13. I was wrong. I’ve found out that it is not all that uncommon
14. I felt stronger about this than anything ever before.
15. It totally rocked my world
16. I felt very scared when this happened
17. Never wanted to hurt my H
18. He did not deserve it, but I couldn’t help it.
19. He does not believe that I am a lesbian
20. I went through Hell and back to get where I am today
21. Thus, the reason I should write a blog
22. I hurt too many people when all this happened
23. I have a lot of guilt about it but I’m working on forgiving myself
24. I have a wonderful partner who I love to death. She makes me happy
25. Her name is JL, (I’ll explain that term later)
26. She loves and adores me and I’m amazed that she loves me
27. I couldn’t tell my H that I had fallen for her at first
28. Which means I guess I had an affair, no I did have an affair
29. I never thought I would do that
30. I went to therapy for 2 months then told him about it
31. That was an awful day
32. My XH hates me
33. This makes me sad
34. He was an unhappy man for the whole time I was married to him
35. It was hard to live with someone so miserable
36. He would not get help
37. He was mean to me, but I thought that was my fault
38. I thought everything was my fault
39. My partners ex also hates me
40. I hope in time she won’t
41. I had never been with a woman before that kiss
42. But I’d fantasized about it
43. I never enjoyed sex and thought that a lot of women didn’t
44. I thought that was normal
45. I did like seeing two women together in the rare porn movie my XH and I would watch
46. I thought that was normal too
47. I am an art major. Now I do graphic design
48. I love art more than anything, I’m passionate about it but I’m not that good
49. Sometimes I think I am just a wanna be artist
50. I have sold a few paintings though I can’t seem to be consistent
51. I love to collect original art for my house
52. I love my our new house
53. It is very adorable and JL helps me decorate it
54. I’m doing better than I thought I would
55. My kids are definitely doing great, I was worried about them
56. I thank God for that
57. I am a very spiritual person and my faith is stronger than it was
58. I have a problem with judgmental people
59. I know that is sort of judgmental to say
60. I try to understand them
61. I think unless you are living your life like Mother Teresa, you can’t judge anyone
62. I don’t know anybody who is selling all of their worldly goods to help the less fortunate
63. I think God does care how you treat people
64. I was raised Southern Baptist, and I survived it
65. I have changed a lot of my beliefs since then
66. Southern Baptists now scare me, A LOT
67. But I also try to understand them
68. I have only lived in one state
69. I never had wheat bread until I was in college
70. or Chinese food
71. or Mexican food
72. and only pizza once or twice, I loved it!
73. I had a very sheltered life
74. When I came to college, I sort of went crazy trying all different kinds of food
75. I never took a drink of alcohol until my sophomore year, of college
76. I never smoked a cigarette either, and I only did that once in college
77. I never tried pot until I was 35
78. I didn’t get what all the fuss was about
79. I do drink now, mostly wine, red in winter, white in summer
80. My parents only had one birthday party for me as a child
81. When I asked my mother why, she said “because I(my mother) didn’t like to throw them”
82. It was at the one pizza parlor in the town I grew up in
83. That was my one pizza experience
84. We got a McDonalds in my hometown when I was in 7th grade
85. You could not get in that place for weeks because of the line
86. I worked as a graphic designer for many years
87. Then I stayed home to raise my kids
88. I don’t regret that, even though I’ve lost most of my skills and had to take an entry level job now
89. I loved being a SAHM(stay at home mom)
90. Working has been as big an adjustment as my divorce
91. Maybe a bigger one
92. I’m shopping for another career
93. I love art and being creative, helping people, and talking, lots and lots of talking
94. Someone I know thinks I should be a therapist, and specialize in women who discover they are gay later in life.
95. Maybe?
96. I REALLY want to travel with my JL one day.
97. I hated traveling with my XH
98. He would be mean to me and he was OCD and had anxiety
99. I really hated it
100. I love traveling with my JL and my kids

To all my old friends who don’t like me anymore

Since this blog is fairly new, and I am being totally honest about everything, I thought I’d post an open letter to all those so called friends of mine who decided that my “awakening” to being a lesbian, and finding happiness for the first time in my life was “too much for them.” Funny how it’s all about them, huh?

To those of you out there, you know who you are, even though you will never read this,
I never meant for this to happen to me. I never would have knowingly entered into a compromising situation with a man. I never wanted to get a divorce. I was determined to make my marriage work. Even though it was hard, really hard - and even though my ex was mean to me, making me cry over the silliest things like say, the door not being locked when he came home from work. Even though you did not know I was not happy, I wasn’t. Then, when much to my surprise, I found myself wanting to kiss my best friend when we were out of town, which I did because I was tipsy, and it totally rocked my world, I took a couple of months to get my head straight and figure out what in the hell I needed to do. I was reeling mind you. I talked to you about it, you said it was ok and that you wanted to be there for me. I felt your friendship and I needed it so bad. You continued to talk to me, giving me your advice and trying to help me find my way. You even seemed to like talking about these things. You said I seemed happy and that maybe this would all be ok. Now, here’s the part I don’t get. Maybe you’ve never been through a horrific yet wonderful life changing event like this. Maybe you don’t know what it feels like to be a soccer mom with the perfect looking everything and a stay home mom, then to have everything you know to be true challenged. Maybe you can’t imagine what it feels like to be there and be blown away when your entire sexual identity and everything you thought your life was is hanging in the air. Maybe you don’t really know or care for that matter what it feels like to be hanging out on a limb, holding on for dear life to anyone and anything you can, just being thankful that your friend(s) will be there for you. Then, to be hit in the face with the fact that actually, that friend did not think you were taking her advice, and she did not want to talk to you, really. It was just too much for her. She thinks you should be doing things different and is tired of hearing you complain.

That, is not what friends do.

I would not have done that to you. I don’t dare say I’d never do it. (I’ve learned that one should never use the word never) However, I do recall putting up with a lot of your shit over the years, never once stopping being your friend, even though you did a few things that challenged me as your friend, like driving drunk for heaven’s sake. That is very serious indeed. But, did I talk bad about you or stop being your friend? NO. I would not do that to you. I knew you were going through a hard time and the last thing you needed was to lose a friend. So it really hurts to find out that you, the one I always thought would be there for me, couldn't. Or maybe you were just too fragile to handle the hell that (I) was going through.

and to my other friend, the one who I thought was always my best friend for a while before she moved away.... I told you of my awful turmoil later in the game. I told you while crying and telling you how horrible and guilty I felt, how I love my ex, though not as a husband anymore. I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want to ruin his world, but I was. And it made me sick. You were friends with him too. You at first told me how much you loved me and him and you wanted to support me through this. You wanted to help me figure out a way to help him through it. My God how I needed you. You were wonderful to me when I broke it to you through tears and panic. You agreed that we should think long and hard about how to tell him because he was so unpredicable. You were being my much needed friend and helping me decide the path I should take. Then, you pulled the rug from under my friendship. I never knew why, you never told me why. I was very hurt and the only thing I could guess was that you didn’t like the way i was handling myself. I was doing my best. And real friends are supposed to be your friend even when they think you are not handling things the way you would.

Real friends don’t abandon you if you make a mistake, even a really big one.

Real friends stay with you through it all.

I thought you were my real friend. You hurt me most of all. You made me feel as if any one I knew might change their mind about being my friend any moment. You made me stop trusting my instinct because I believed in you. I should have known you would do something like that, but I didn’t. That is the kind of person I am. Too trusting and open. I want you to know that even now, if you came back and wanted to start our friendship I probably would. I am just that vulnerable. But you won’t. Evidently I did something so horrible in your mind that it was unforgivable. I don’t know what that was. I am more guarded because of you. I take friendships slowly. And I always wonder if I’m doing something wrong or bad.

But don’t worry now. I will be fine. I have other friends and most of all I have JL to be there for me. I am steadily making my new life. It has not been easy, but I know it was the right thing to do. And the kids, they’re ok too. I am loving them and that is what they know, that I love them. I will never understand why you changed your mind about me. I guess you couldn’t handle it. But I really don’t need you anymore, any of you.

best and more tomorrow,
Lipstick

A new entry

Well, I am starting this diary of my life to document all of the immense changes I've been through over the last 1 - 1 1/2 years. This friday will mark the one year anniversary of my divorce. I divorced because after 13 yrs of marriage (yes 13!) at the young age of 41, I realized that I am a lesbian. It came as a great suprise to me. It really came as a suprise to my husband. I fell in love with my best friend. She was also his friend. It was sad. I didn't mean to hurt him. He had hurt me before with his harsh words but still, overall I did care for him and wanted the best for him. I couldn't help it that I fell so hard for my best friend. And boy did it rock my world too. It was the biggest damn thing that has happened to me my whole life, next to the birth of my 2 gorgeous sons. I'll call them SB and WB. (sweet boy and wild boy) We'll call my best friend JL.(maybe I'll tell you later what that stands for, but she'll kill me) Anyway, here I was, just being best friends and feeling like I'd rather spend all my time with her instead of my H... that's normal right? Don't most wives want to spend all their time with their best friend? I thought so. I just wanted to be with her all the time. So did everyone though. (she's just that great) She loved my kids so much too. She had never had any of her own and she was happy to be the best aunt to them. Anyway, I was with her one night out of town, when I had a little to much wine I guess, and I wanted to kiss her. I had wanted to before, but just so I could see what it felt like. I know what you're thinking, that is me wanting to try out being a lesbian, it's just me being experimental. It was all that I guess. But when I did... boy did it rock my world! I have never in my life felt ANYTHING that strong. I thought lightening was shooting through my body. It was very shocking, and she was shocked too. She never had a clue I'd do that. Anyway, from that very moment I knew that my life would not be the same again. I didn't know what it all meant, but I did know that I was having a very BIG moment - I had started a snowball that could not be stopped.