Random post, 1/10

I could not decide one thing to write about tonight, so I'll post on a couple of different topics:

Topic 1: the Oprah show re-run of the wives who figure out they are gay
Loved it! I have it on my Tevo saved forever, but since Oprah aired it again for the 3rd time, I had to watch it again too. I told W I am keeping it forever on the Tevo box. She laughed at me a little, but I told her, this is my story and it just makes me feel good to watch it. I had been feeling some guilt again for some reason about my ex and ruining his life. Watching this, made me realize again that it was something that I had to do. It's not that I ever didn't think I had to, just that nowadays I will sometimes forget that feeling of inevitable-ness I had when I'm wallowing in guilt. I know that it would not have been fair to stay with him and not be 100% with him, and likewise with W and her ex, who was a woman. Anyway, it is worth watching again from time to time.

Topic 2: Am I the only woman in blog land who does not like Hillary?
I know, she showed some emotion the other day and that was good for her, but for some reason, my gut feeling is that I just do not trust her. Why is that exactly? I did not hate Bill. I think it is a great idea to elect a woman. I just feel that she says what she thinks people want her to say and does this little dance with the issues. With one group she says she was always against the war, with another she sidesteps that and acts as though she was for it, but now against it. I caught myself wondering.. do I judge her because she is a woman? I don't mean to. I know that if she were a man, no one would think one iota about what she says being mean or would not be so hard on her. But still, I just do not like her one bit. It is a gut thing. I can't figure out why exactly. I do think that seeing her have a human emotion is much better. I think I maybe don't like seeing women who don't really show emotion. It does not seem natural. Please, chime in on this topic if you all want. Not meaning to offend anyone here either, this is just my opinion, or rather my "feeling." I do like Obama however. I would definitely vote for him. I will be voting democrat this year, but I will have a very hard time voting for Hilary if she wins the bid. I have always been a swing voter myself, voting for who I feel will do the best job but not on party lines alone. I'm not sure, but I may have to be totally a democratic voter now because of the gay right issue. I do really like Rudy on the republican side, but he is not looking like he will win anyway. He is the only one of the republicans who is not in bed with the damn religious right, which may be why he is losing that bid.

Topic 3: Coming out to old friends you have not seen in ages
We were invited to dinner saturday night with a couple who does know my story. She invited another of her friends over whom I used to know fairly well, on a casual basis, you know, I never went out with this girl or never did things with her and her husband as a couple, but would see her often at my son's school, target, eating out etc. I even talked to her several times about a job. She was not a good friend of mine but more than an acquaintance. Anyway, I asked friend 1 if this girl knew I was divorced etc. Friend 1 said she would let her know ahead of time if I did not mind so as to not make her or me feel awkward. Apparently, she told her on the phone and the girl sort of freaked out. She had a good friend leaving her husband for another man and was devasted by it. They all did a lot as a group. Anyway, friend 2 came over even though she was freaked and just did not make eye contact or talk to me. I was a bit shocked to say the least. Talked to friend 1 the next day and she apologized a lot and said that she suggested for her to do whatever she needed to, ie: not come if need be. The girl came anyway.
Got me to thinking... why is this so disturbing to her when she did not know me all that well and did not know my ass of an ex H at all. What makes her think she can assume anything about my life. My kids are doing really well and even the ass Ex and I are getting along ok. I don't think it was a homophobic issue with her, just a divorce issue. I find it funny how some people have a problem with one or the other. divorce or being gay, but not both. I mean, it's my life not her's. Why not just be glad we are all doing ok and smile and wish me luck on this next part of my journey. I have to say it is probably fear generating this reaction. She is afraid it could happen to her, divorce that is. And she should realize that it could happen to anybody, even her. But that is too scary for her I'm sure. It was for me too but I made it.
Just a few random thoughts on this Thursday night. The weekend is coming up people. Our alone date night weekend! Yay! We have no money but we'll just stay home and rent the L word... my, my.
later
L

Wii training?

I spent many hours with my sons playing the Wii over the Christmas break. The sports ones were my favorites. Tennis was impossible for me to control, but the bowling and the boxing were so fun. However, after playing Wii boxing for about an hour one day, I noticed that I was quite sore the next day. I tried to figure out what in the world I had done to get so sore. Then it dawned on me... It was Wii! The kids would make fun of me when I was boxing because I would practically hit one of them who was in the way. They just gently moved their controllers while I swung and dodged like a Ty Bo class. I guess it was a good work out. Or, I am just terribly out of shape. I think it was the latter. Now the Wii is gone back to their dad's house. Now me and my wife shall settle in with a glass of wine to watch the first season of the L word. woo hoo! kid free for another night!
later,
L

Back in the saddle

Well, I was dreading getting back to school (my teaching job), but was quite surprised yesterday that it was easier than I had thought it would be, and getting back into the routine feels nice, actually. I loved having the long break with my kids, but am glad they are with their dad for a couple of days. Too many dogs and kids for too many days is what I say. Last night was very nice. W and I took the dogs for a long walk, then took them home to their other momma, then we went to RP for a nice dinner and a couple of cosmos! Yeah! The dinner was good, the cosmos were even better, the company even better. W's principle came into her class unexpected yesterday. W just though she was observing. Come to find out it was a formal observation! She was supposed to be able to know about that ahead of time. She would have been freaked if she knew what was going on at the time. Anyway, seems she did ok, although the formal written evaluation has not been seen yet. W needed a drink! and I enjoyed one too. We came back and started to watch Medium but had to turn it off for the show was just too disturbing last night. What is it with TV these days? I miss Seinfeld, and Will and Grace. What ever happened to a good comedy. Everything is either reality shows or some dark creepy police drama about murders and s__t. Anyway, the night did turn out good after the TV went off.
Now it is off to teach the crazy children again today. Wish me luck on my second day back.
later,
L

Continued....

What is precious to me






To whomever shot a bullet through my window on New Years Eve, and to my city leaders,

I don't feel safe anymore. My city is riddled with crime. Within the last week, 3 people I know have had a major crime happen on their street. And we're not talking petty crimes either. Major things like drive by shootings, escaped suspects running on foot through the neighborhood, and me, I got a stray bullet through the bedroom window. I woke up new years day to find a whole in the window that is right by my bed. It took a while to register with me, but then I started figuring out - this was not rock that caused the whole. It was a bullet! I even found the bullet for proof later. It bounced off my headboard! While examining the whole, I noticed that it came from very high in the air. People in this city shoot up in the air on holidays. Go outside on any July 4th or New Years eve and you'll hear massive amounts of gun fire. Why these people can't buy fireworks, I don't know. Last year, a little girl was killed while standing outside on new years because one of these stray bullets came down and hit her head. This year, the gunfire was worse. People say they heard automatic weapons being shot. Now the question comes up: do we move, and if so, where to? No place in this city is really safe, but maybe another area would be a little better. Maybe I could have a 3 year plan to move. But for now, what? bullet proof glass? do I just trust that God is taking care of us? do I just not let my kids play outside? how would you all view this? a sign to move? or a sign that God didn't want me dead right now? I am very disturbed about this, but don't really know what to think.
for now,
L

Is it a sign?

Well, it has been a long time since my last post, but I have good excuse, really, lots of good excuses in fact. W and I got out for Christmas break on the 21st, the kids were with their dad until Christmas day, then with us until they go back to school on the 7th. They have been just a little high maintenance, well a lot high maintenance actually. My oldest is quite hyper and tends to get every kid in the room excited too. Imagine this.... me, W, the two wild boys, the two very large dogs that W shares custody of with her ex, W's nephew Ty who is visiting her brother, her brother's dog, all in a tiny two bedroom, 1200 sq foot house. Add to that, a new Wii, lots of other new toys, lots of chocolate in the stockings, and the dynamic that 3 boys have when they get together. All this, mixed with two new teachers who deal with really naughty kids all day, who also happen to have had very little alone time in two weeks, a 12 yr old boy who thinks he knows more than us and wants to challenge both of our authority at every turn, the visiting nephew who tends to have issues of bullying and not getting along with anyone .... well, it has been more than a little chaotic and even maddening. Last night, the boys' dad took them to his house for a visit. I was going to surprise W with a night at a hotel out of town, complete with a jacuzzi in the room. I booked the room, but then all of these before mentioned people would not leave, the dogs would not leave, nor could we find proper babysitters for said dogs. (you cannot believe the degree of pampering these dogs are used to. they have never spent a night and very few days alone. they require as much care as children, really). Anyway, needless to say, the hotel got canceled, but we still had a night alone to go to a nice cozy bar/restaurant and eat dinner, have wine, then go to a great movie. At last, a little relief from the holidays....
ahh the holidays, sounds of gunshots ringing out and a surprise in our bedroom...
to be continued....

blogging therapy

I feel somewhat stressed. My first paycheck was really only a half a paycheck, and W's was a whole one, but somehow, we have blown through all that money and some of my savings, due to some unexpected expenses. It has both of us bummed out. I have no money til my next paycheck, and we have an art show here at our house next weekend. We have to clean up and do paintings, and I have the boys this weekend. W has been working on her paintings steadily while I have time with the boys. I love them dearly, but lately, my oldest who is 12 has been driving me crazy this weekend! I keep fantasizing about slapping him when he is arguing with me... not a good thing to be fantasizing about. I also think about yelling "what the F--- do you think you're doing?"
I don't curse in front of my kids so this would surely make and impact. Thank god he is gone now to a basketball game with a friend. He has so much energy, and 9/10ths of the time, you can't channel it into something worthwhile, but when you do, boy oh boy, he can get some work done. Most of his energy is spent talking, or rather, making noise. I swear, boys make more noise than I ever knew. He makes noise pollution most of the time. and wants to smart off at my ass. I swear, I may yell what the F--- and if I do, his jaw will drop to the floor. I have been way too nice to my kids. should have beaten them so they would mind better.

So, right now, I am sitting here blogging while I should be cleaning and putting up summer clothes and even painting. But. I. am not. motivated. It doesn't help that it is like 35 degrees here right now. I hate the cold weather. It just makes me want to crawl in bed and get warm. or "nap"
But none of that will go on this weekend since the boys are here.

I am starting to feel better just now. I think blogging has helped me.

The place in between

I have always believed that things do happen for a reason. When bad things happen to us it's hard to believe that. It's a personal belief I have and has so far proven to serve me well. Yesterday, I found out while emailing a friend from my old job that the whole company is re-locating to another state and all of the people there will be without a job as of February. They were just told this 2 weeks after I left!! I got a chill up my spine upon hearing this news. I really obcessed over the decision to leave because it was a good job and everyone was so nice. But in the end, I did decide to leave and have faith that this new opportunity was the right thing for me to do. I spent a long time wondering if it was best for ME, then one day in church after nearly making myself sick from worry, I just decided that even if it wasn't best for me, I would do it because the kids here needed me, needed art in their lives, and that I would do it for them and trust God to take care of me. Needless to say, hearing this yesterday made me know I had made the right decision. If that is not a confirmation, I don't know what is. I feel for my friends there and pray that they find opportunities asap. I know there are those who think that this is just a conincidence, but for me, I believe it was god's hand taking care of me. I also think that he is taking care of them even though they lost their jobs yesterday. Maybe a change was needed and now will be the next step to bring on that change. But never the less, it is so stressfull to be laid off. I wish them the best and will work hard to spread the news that some really great people are out there looking for a job now.

In other news, my evening went well last night.. as well as could be expected anyway. We were all at this somewhat swanky art opening with wine and appetizers at the place of business of W's ex's new girlfriend. All the gang was there, S, L plus the four already mentioned. I was glad to go because my supervisor came and I got to meet him. I had been hired for this job over the phone without a face to face meeting. He was so nice! and he was a gay man which I already knew... I know that's beside the point but it does make ya feel good. We had some awkward first words(ex and me) but later in the evening with some wine, we(W, me and ex) ended up chatting a little about meaningless things which was good I think. Small talk among us when we have had a very hurtfull and hard last year. It has been a hard road and a road full of suprising growth for everyone I think. I hope we have broken the ice and now can go forward with less tension. I hope we are in the place in between now, between horrible hurt and healing. But who knows what will happen.

I have the boys this weekend and I'm sure we will be busy as usual. I thought I was getting my first paycheck today, but I was wrong, it will be next friday. Darn! I have to make it on $200 in my checking account till next friday.

and by the way, I had the class from hell a few minutes ago... so glad to be able to blog right now.

have a good weekend!
L